07 - Toddler

I was miserable, trying to use relationships to satisfy the hunger in my soul. And God was there, inviting me to give up my snacks and to find satisfaction in the feast that he had to offer. Problem solved, case closed, right?

Wrong. If you know me at all, you know that I get all the facts straight and think everything through before reaching a conclusion. I mean, I won’t even throw a pillow on the couch without analyzing the pros and cons of all the possible rotations and placements! (Don’t judge!) Anyway, when I do finally solidify something in my mind, I’m pretty sure I’m right, because I’ve taken the time to examine every angle.

The thing is, whereas this quality has helped me in many areas of my life, it wasn’t helping me in this conversation with God. You see, I’d thought it through. I’d weighed all the pros and cons of being single. I’d examined my life from every angle. And I was certain about my conclusion that no matter what God put on the table, I would never be satisfied if I stayed single. It was clear to me that if I didn’t find a boyfriend ASAP, then I’d be doomed to continue in my unfulfilled state – and that was simply unacceptable. I didn’t think it would be prudent to tell God to his face, but deep down, I just didn’t think he had a good handle on the way the world works.

Aiden...

Well, it turns out that God has a sense of humor. Instead of zapping me with lightning or trying to convince me of his wisdom through intellectual arguments, he decided to meet me at my level and to speak to me through the 2 year olds I volunteered with at church. The incident he used to get my attention was nothing out of the ordinary; it was just the way I interpreted it that made it significant.

Here’s what happened. One Sunday, when one of the toddler’s parents tried to leave him with me, he started crying hysterically. (The kid; not the parent.) Filled with compassion for the confused little boy who thought he’d been abandoned, I picked him up and tried to hold him close, but he wouldn’t stop fighting me.

I figured that his terror stemmed from an assumption that his parents were never coming back and that he’d have to live forever in this room full of crazy 2 year olds and one frazzled volunteer, so I tried to tell him the truth. I told poor Aiden that his parents were coming back; that they were only going to be gone for an hour; that he would only make the time more miserable for himself if he chose to spend it crying; that I was trying to help, not hurt him; that if he calmed down and tried playing with the toys in the room, he might discover that he actually liked it there. After all, I’d seen many other kids survive (and even thrive) in these same conditions, so I knew that his circumstances weren’t nearly as desperate as they seemed to him.

But nothing I said to him made one bit of difference. He just continued to resist me and to throw a fit. And really, I wasn’t surprised. Why? Because Aiden was 2 years old! He didn’t know enough about life to understand that his situation was temporary and that his predicament wasn’t nearly as bad as he thought it was. Not only that, but he didn’t know enough about language to understand the things I was trying to tell him about his situation. Plus, he didn’t know me well enough to know that I was trying to help him. Although I knew that Aiden’s entire situation could be improved if he just knew the truth about it, I couldn’t convince Aiden of that truth, because in his 2 year old mind, the only thing that felt real was his pain.

Adult Sized Todder...

That’s when I heard God talking to me. “Jill, don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re a terrified 2 year old in an uncertain situation, and I’m the one trying to comfort you. I know you’re feeling alone and scared and abandoned, but in reality, things aren’t as bad as you think they are! First of all, your loneliness is temporary. It only feels like forever to you because you can’t see the end of it. Secondly, you can enjoy your life right now if you’d just calm down and give it a shot! And most importantly, I wish you’d stop fighting me because I’m not trying to hurt you; I’m trying to help you! I hate seeing you upset, and I just wish I could help you see that despite how it feels, I’ve got your back and I’m not ever going to leave you alone.”

As I saw the parallels between Aiden’s predicament and my own, I began to understand the roadblock I was facing in my conversation with God. I had thought that I knew what was best for my life. I had thought that I had everything figured out. But suddenly I understood that I wasn’t as shrewd as I thought. As a matter of fact, I was a 2 year old in comparison to God.

Like Aiden, I had an immature and limited view of what was going on in regard to my singleness, and because of that perspective, I was reacting according to the pain I felt instead of reacting according to the truth of the situation.

Hope...

The incredible thing is that while I was throwing a fit, God wasn’t smacking me and telling me to shut up. On the contrary, he was holding me close, feeling compassion for me, and trying to show me the truth – that the only reason I thought my singleness was the end of the world was because I was 2 years old. And because of that, I didn’t know enough about life or God or the way he speaks to be able to see past my pain and to comprehend the fact that I could be fulfilled by him, even if my relationship status didn’t change.

Well, I have to admit, this comparison was certainly humbling. But on the other hand, it was really good news! You see, from my perspective, my prospects were hopeless. I was doomed either to a life of unending dissatisfaction and loneliness or to a life of perpetual striving to find and keep the relationship that would save me. But if it was true that I was looking at things through a 2 year old’s eyes, then that meant there was hope for my life after all – it’s just that I couldn’t see it!

David and Me...

Later that week, as I was reading Psalm 63, I came across someone else who was facing a similar situation. David, the writer of the prayer, was the king of Israel, but when his son incited a rebellion, he was forced to flee to the desert to hide from his enemies. Okay, so I’ve never been the king. But like me, David wrote this prayer when he was confused, lonely, and worried about the direction of his life. He must’ve thought he’d never be fulfilled unless he got things back on track with his plan for the future. He must’ve felt like he was in a lose-lose situation.

But what I loved about David’s prayer was that unlike me, he didn’t get stuck inside his 2 year old perspective. He acknowledged that he felt hungry, thirsty, and weary; but then he didn’t fixate on those feelings and throw a temper tantrum. He didn’t insist on doing whatever it took to get his own way. Instead, he admitted that someone else had a more complete perspective on the situation than he did – God.

And because he understood that he didn’t have a complete perspective, David had hope. He was able to say in verses 3 & 5, “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.” David certainly didn’t feel right then that God’s love was better than life, or that his soul was currently satisfied, but since he knew that there was a reality beyond his feelings, David trusted that God would bring him satisfaction.

Not only that, but because he acknowledged that God understood his situation better than he did, David was able to rest. In verse 6, he said, “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Whereas my reaction was to fret, complain, and try to solve my own problems, David didn’t do any of that. Rather, he gave all of his stress to God, and instead of focusing on his heartache, David focused on the only one who could truly heal his broken heart.

Finally, in verse 8, David said, “My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” I realized that what was true for David was true for me, as well. It’s only when I cling to God (instead of clinging to my own solutions or worries) that I’m able to feel him upholding me. God is always there to uphold me, but many times I act like a toddler who doesn’t want to go somewhere that my dad is trying to take me. God is holding onto my hand, but I’m thrashing all over the place, pulling away, and demanding my own way. Even through my temper tantrum, he’s still holding onto me, but I’m making things a lot less pleasant for myself than if I’d just calm down, hold onto him, too, and let him take me where he wants – especially since he, like a parent, knows a lot more about what’s best for me than I do as a toddler.

Maybe God knows what he's talking about...

Well, God certainly had me seeing things in a different light. I didn’t want to continue acting like a bratty 2 year old who thinks she knows what’s best. I wanted to quit throwing temper tantrums, and to cling to God the way he clings to me so that I could have the hope and rest that David experienced.

These were all lovely sentiments, but I’m sure you can guess that it still didn’t solve all my problems. You see, though I was now able to acknowledge that God had a wiser and more mature view of my singleness than I did, I still wasn’t sure just what that view entailed. So, of course, that’s what he started to reveal to me next.