01 - Huddle

According to the trusted authorities at Wikipedia, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert at something. That’s 416.67 full days and nights of practice. So according to that standard, there are very few activities at which I would be considered an expert, except maybe breathing, wasting time, and possibly dreaming of food. But I can think of one area where I far exceed the “expert requirement” with almost 275,000 hours of practice.

If 10,000 hours is all it takes, then I am most assuredly an expert at being single – 27 times over!

Okay, so I don’t hold a doctorate in Single Studies (although if some progressive school decides to issue an honorary degree, I think I’d be the logical choice). But I do think that over the years, I’ve made quite a few interesting and helpful observations about our common perceptions of singleness, dating, and marriage.

Most of these observations have come as a result of my own failures, heartaches, and disappointments. And it’s only been through a dramatic overhaul of the way I view myself, my place in the world, and other people that I’ve actually begun to find the peace and contentment that I think eludes a lot of us as single people.

You don’t know what I mean about peace and contentment eluding us? Think about the following situations that I encountered in approximately a week’s time:

First, I heard some news about my best friend from childhood. Recently, she got a divorce from her husband of several years because she realized that she never really loved him, and that she married him mostly because he was…there. Now she is living with her boyfriend who threatens and abuses her, and who even keeps a loaded gun in the house. Because of this, her family is worried about her safety and their own, but no matter what anyone says, she won’t leave him because she doesn’t want to be alone.

The stories aren’t all that extreme. Shortly after I heard about my childhood friend, I talked to two of my female friends who had found a certain guy that they thought was “The One,” only to find out that he was playing them. Now they are both devastated, wondering if they will ever find someone to rescue them from a lifetime of loneliness. What I didn’t tell my girlfriends was that both of them were complaining to me about the same guy on the same day. Go figure.

Around the same time, I was talking to a guy friend who had always been known for his overt and relentless quest for a girlfriend. He has now been dating a girl for almost a year, so I asked him how it was going. He told me that he and his girlfriend have a lot of issues to work through; that he’s had to give up many of his passions to keep her satisfied; that they never really do anything fun together; that he feels out of place with her family. That description didn’t sound very promising to me, so I asked him if he thought their relationship would work out. To my surprise, he said, “Yeah, I’ll probably marry her. I’m getting too old to start over.”

I have another friend whose relatives are constantly telling her that she will never be happy unless she gets married. So while she thought she enjoyed her life as it is, her confidence is now shaken, and she’s starting to wonder if maybe her relatives (and the rest of society) are right – that living life alone means you’re missing out, and that it makes you somehow incomplete.

Another friend was attending a group for singles ages 30 and up, but when I asked him how it was going, he said that he is probably going to quit. Explaining further, he said that every time he goes, he is confronted with his worst nightmare – being alone for life – and the fear and stress caused by attending the group causes him more harm than good.

And around the same time, I attended a meeting of young professionals at my church where we were doing a series on singleness. In the 3 years that I have been a part of this group, I have never seen anyone get emotional before. But in just one night during a conversation about being single, I saw 3 separate people (including big, tough men) start to cry as they talked about their struggles with being alone.

You can’t tell me that peace and contentment don’t elude us as single people! And when I hear these stories (and many similar ones), my heart breaks for my friends because I understand what they’re going through. You see, I’ve been there, too.

I’ve been the girl who thinks she’s a worthless nobody because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. I’ve been the girl who thinks her life will never be complete unless she gets married. I’ve been the girl who lets herself get walked on because it seems better than being alone.

And all of the pain that I’ve seen and experienced has made me wonder if that’s the way it has to be. Do I have to live my life crushed by the weight of unfulfilled expectations? Do I have to spend all of my time looking for something or someone to complete me? Do I have to base my identity on whether I have a significant other? Do I have to feel as though I’m missing out on something great if I’m single?

After all, relationships and marriage are meant to be things that benefit us, right? They are meant to give us support and community and a witness to our lives.

So why is it that instead of enhancing our lives, relationships (or the lack of them) seem to cause us so much pain and despair? Why is it that something that was meant to bring us pleasure actually creates more stress and heartache than almost anything else in our lives? Why is it that this topic consumes our thoughts and our conversations and even drives our decisions? Why is it that our relationship status can be the main determiner of our happiness and acceptance or lack thereof?

These questions have nagged at me for a long time. It just doesn’t seem right to me that something that is supposed to add to our lives so often handicaps us and holds us back. It doesn’t seem right that my own satisfaction has to be dependent on someone else’s whims. It doesn’t seem right that I can’t be wholly confident and complete and fulfilled – with or without a significant other.

Have you ever felt that way, too? Have you ever felt as though you've been singled out among society just because you're cooking for one? If so, then I’m going to suggest something that might seem a little bit foreign and counter-intuitive.

What if being single is not the problem?

What if the lack of a significant other is not the cause of our discontent after all? What if our failure to get married is not actually the cause of our restlessness? What if our relationship status is not the cause of our lack of purpose and identity? I’m wondering…is it possible that none of these things is the real issue?

Is it possible that the real problem is not our singleness itself, but instead, the problem is the way we view our singleness and the significance that we assign to it? Is it possible that our problems actually stem from a skewed perspective on the whole subject?

You may think I’m just naïve, but go with me here for a minute. If it’s true that we’re wrong about the problem, then doesn’t it stand to reason that we could also be wrong about the solution? What if our ceaseless search for a relationship is not really the way out? What if there actually is a way for me to be wholly confident and complete and fulfilled – whether I’m single, dating, or married?

I submit to you that there is.

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not out to devalue marriage or our desire for it. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t date or get married. I’m not saying that relationships are a bad thing. In fact, I think marriage is a wonderful thing, and I would enjoy experiencing it someday!

All I’m saying is this: I’ve found that when all of my passes end in interceptions, then continuing to run the same play is probably not going to win me the game. Instead, maybe it’s time to step back and re-evaluate the way I’m viewing the game. In other words, when my game plan of constantly seeking out relationships is always causing me misery, maybe it’s time to regroup and adopt a new strategy.

Will you join me in the huddle?