10 - Reverse

God doesn’t see things the way the world does. That was potentially good news for me, since as a single person, I felt that I was failing miserably in the world’s eyes! But I wasn’t clear on what that entailed. If God doesn’t evaluate my worth based on the world’s standards, then how does he evaluate me? I asked God to help me understand, and luckily, that’s a request he loves to receive!

Here’s how he began to open my eyes. Around that time, I was asked to look at the book of Genesis and to write down some thoughts for people who might be reading it for the first time.

A Lamb and a Cow...

As I did that, one of the stories hit me hard. It was the story of two sisters – Leah and Rachel. Younger sister Rachel was the Megan Fox of biblical times. Her name means “little lamb,” and Gen 29:17 basically says that she was hot. It’s no wonder that Jacob fell in love with her! In fact, he had it so bad that he was willing to work for her father 7 years just to be able to marry her, and those 7 years seemed like only a few days because of his love for her (yeah, I gagged a little bit right there).

Big sis Leah, on the other hand, was someone with whom I could identify. She had a name that means “cow.” (That’s when you know your parents hate you.) The best thing the narrator could say about her was that she had weak eyes. That’s certainly not a glowing description! And there were definitely no guys working 7 years to buy Leah’s hand in marriage.

Poor Cowgirl didn’t seem to have any potential in life. In fact, her own father must have assumed that she could never attract a husband on her own, so he decided to help her out. On the night of what was supposed to be Rachel’s wedding, Laban tricked the groom by sending Leah to the tent instead of his beloved little lamb.

A Twist in the Story (part 1)...

As you might imagine, Jacob was less than thrilled when the sun came up the next day and he realized whom he had married. (This may have been the origin of the phrase “have a cow”.) Luckily for Jacob, he was able to “fix” the problem by working another 7 years in order to marry Rachel, but this ignited a bitter rivalry between the two sisters, and frankly, Leah’s self-esteem must have been shot.

To her father, she was a lost cause. To her sister, she was in the way. To her husband, she was an unwanted nuisance. In fact, when Gen 29:31 says that Leah was “not loved,” that Hebrew word might be better translated as “hated.” Wow. Leah didn’t have anything going for her. She didn’t possess any traits that the world (or even her family) valued. She was disregarded and disrespected by everyone closest to her. She must have felt as if her life was destined for failure.

Rachel, on the other hand, seemed poised for success. She had beauty; she had love; she had a husband whom God had promised to make into a great nation. The ending of this story seems like a no-brainer: Victory – Rachel. And Leah…um, who’s that?

A Twist in the Story (part 2)...

But that’s not the way it works out. Gen 29:31 says that God saw Leah’s distress and that he intervened. Despite her lack of potential, Cowgirl Leah had a son, Judah, who became the ancestor of King David, and ultimately of Jesus. That’s quite a legacy to leave! Leah, the seemingly worthless one, became a vital part of God’s plan to restore the world to perfection.

(That’s not to say that God rejected Rachel. After all, she left a legacy, too, by giving birth to Joseph, who saved Egypt and the new nation of Israel during a famine.)

But the amazing part to me was the way my expectations about Leah were reversed. Someone who was expected to have no significance at all actually ended up playing an essential role in God’s story. Someone who was passed over and rejected by everyone she knew was specially chosen by God. Someone whom the world looked at and said, “worthless” was labeled “worthy” by God.

How did that happen? Why would someone who doesn’t measure up be chosen to play such an important role in God’s story? It’s because God doesn’t evaluate based on the same standards as the world does. When he gets involved, everything gets reversed.

Good News!...

Now for someone like me who felt like a cow in a pasture full of little lambs, this was really good news. You see, here would be the world’s prescription for a “Leah”. The world would say, “The problem is that you don’t measure up. So what you need to do is to try harder. You need to figure out where you fall short and then put all of your energy into fixing those things – and if you’re such a loser that you can’t fix yourself, then you need to cover up the areas where you don’t meet our standards.”

And like the good citizen that I was, I had been listening to what the world was telling me. I knew that I didn’t measure up to society’s standards – especially in the area of being single – so I’d been trying as hard as I possibly could to fix myself. I read books about how to find a date worth keeping, and I followed their advice to the letter. I attended seminars on how to not be single, and I enacted their self-improvement plans with gusto. I based all of my decisions on what would make me appear more like a “little lamb.” And when none of that worked, I threw myself into being “Teacher Extraordinaire” or “Church Volunteer Deluxe” – hoping to distract everyone from the fact that I was totally and completely falling short.

But all of this effort was exhausting, because deep down I knew that no matter how hard I tried, this “Leah” was never going to be able to turn herself into a “Rachel.” Even if I did succeed in fooling everybody into thinking I was a “Rachel,” I knew that I could never keep it up long term, because it was all an illusion.

A Twist in MY Story...

But God’s prescription sounded way better to me than the world’s. God was telling me this: “Maybe you don’t measure up to the world’s standards. But guess what! It doesn’t really matter! That’s because when I look at you, I see everything I ever hoped you would be. I see someone who’s worth MORE than seven years of work. I see someone who is chosen. I see someone who is loved. And really, whose standards would you rather live up to: those of a bunch of imperfect people, or those of the perfect God who MADE those people (and you)?

“So what you need to do is NOT try harder. What you need to do is just relax and have confidence! You don’t need to fix yourself in an attempt to look better to anyone else because you’re the kind of person I really like.” Wow. To have the richest, most powerful, most sought after guy in the universe telling me that I’m the kind of person he really likes…that’s quite a compliment.

And when I finally heard that, I began to see something that I’d never noticed before. That’s that throughout the entire Bible, God is ALWAYS choosing people who don’t measure up. He’s always ignoring the way the world evaluates, he’s always giving purpose to those without potential, and he’s always reversing our expectations.

Man's Trash and God's Treasure...

For example, in the book of Genesis alone, there are six different times when God chose to bless a brother who was not the firstborn – even though in that culture, the firstborn was the one who was expected to get the birthright and all the privileges. And also in Genesis, there are three separate times when God chose to extend his covenant by giving a son to a barren woman – even though no one would have ever expected these women to have ANY babies; much less babies of promise. God saw something valuable in these people even when no one else did.

The rest of the Bible continues this same theme! God chose Moses to be his spokesperson, even though he probably flunked public speaking. He chose to save Rahab from the disaster in Jericho, even though she was the town hooker. He chose David as the king of Israel, even though his own brothers thought he was a conceited slacker. God is always seeing potential in those whom the world expects to fail.

Jesus took things a step further. We’d expect the son of God to hang out with the highly respected religious types. After all, they’re the ones who would make him popular and help him to advance his agenda. Instead, though, he sat at the geeks’ lunch table. He hung out with the poor, the sick, the socially awkward, and the people whom everyone else avoided. He even hung out with – gasp – single people!

And he didn’t hang out with these people because he felt sorry for them; he hung out with them because he liked them. That’s because God ignores our standards of measurement and he reverses our expectations. Man’s trash is God’s treasure. So I couldn’t help but think…if God reversed the verdict on all these people, then was it possible he could reverse the verdict on this pathetic perpetually single girl?

What God was saying definitely gave me hope, but to a skeptic like me, it was almost too good to be true. Besides that, even if God thought I was okay, how could that affect my life here and now, as I lived among a world of people that labeled me a loser? As I’m sure you’ve guessed, God was happy to continue our conversation.

09 - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

With the realization that a relationship is not the main attraction after all, but is merely a preview to all that God has in store for me, it suddenly became clear how blatantly I was overlooking him in order to chase after some other kind of satisfaction instead.

Looking beneath the surface...

No, I wasn’t committing the “big” sins like murder or theft or rooting for the Steelers, but what I was doing was, in a sense, worse because it looked like I was doing right. On the surface, I was doing what good, religious people do: I was looking for someone to marry so that I could settle down and produce the happy little family that everyone expects out of people who love God.

But underneath, I wasn’t doing this for God at all! I was doing it for myself – so that I could be fulfilled in the way I wanted; so that I could be respected by others; so that I could be assured that I was worthy of love. I was denying God his rightful position as the main attraction, and I was putting my desire for marriage there instead. (And that kind of attitude is what started this whole sin business in the first place!)

Stepping on the brakes - not as easy as it looks...

Because of the way I was allowing my desire for a relationship to overshadow all that God had to offer, I felt at that time that he was asking me to put my marriage quest on hold for a while; that the only way I could find freedom from my endless quest was to take a step back so I could put things into their proper perspective.

As much as I agreed with God and wanted to take him up on his advice, though, I just couldn’t do it. You see, my desire for a relationship went deeper than wanting just happiness and fulfillment. For me, this whole issue struck at the very core of my being, because in my mind, a person’s relationship status was the main indicator of his or her worth as a person. Since I had not been “chosen,” I worried that there was something wrong with me; that my inherent value was somehow less than that of someone in a relationship.

Okay, I know I’m sounding pretty dramatic. But I really don’t think I’m that crazy for thinking such things! After all, I’ve heard many people talk that way. “He’s not good enough for her.” “How did she get a boyfriend?” “Who would ever want to marry him?” “She’s too ugly/stupid/weird/fill-in-the-blank to find a guy.” We say these things as if there’s a certain level of “goodness” that you have to reach before you can even be considered by the opposite sex; as if getting the stamp of approval from someone of the opposite sex is a prerequisite to respect.

Beyond these general cultural assumptions, I’ve had these things said to me point blank! A pastor once said that if I’m single, it’s probably my own fault, and that I should examine myself to find out what I need to fix (as if married people have earned a free pass on the need to examine themselves). I’ve had a friend inform me that my singleness was an indication that God was unhappy with me, and that he was withholding his blessings until I met his standards. (Looking back, I wonder if this was really a friend or an enemy!) Clearly, our culture uses a person’s relationship status as the litmus test for his or her value.

So when God told me it would be a good idea to put the brakes on my search for a husband, you can see why that seemed so impossible for me to do! Resigning myself to a life of singleness meant resigning myself to the fact that I was less worthy of respect and value and love than other people were. It meant willingly allowing others to look down on me and letting them assume that I was less worthy in God’s eyes than they were. It meant a total surrender of my identity. How could God possibly ask me to do something like that? It seemed like too high of a price to pay.

Mary...

As I wrestled with these thoughts, God came to the rescue and spoke to me through something I’d heard a million times before. That Christmas, a movie came out called “Nativity Story,” which retold the story of Jesus’ birth. On the surface, this retelling of familiar events was nothing new, but this time as I watched it, I saw everything that happened with new eyes.

First of all, I saw Mary. The first time she appeared on the scene, an angel was telling her that she had found favor with God. That seems pretty awesome! But then he went on to say that since God thought she was so great, he’d like her to become an unwed mother.

What?! I mean, having a child out of wedlock carries a little bit of a stigma today, but in those days, it would have been much worse than simply the ruination of Mary’s reputation. It could have threatened her very life! After all, she could have been stoned to death by the Jewish authorities for breaking the law. If that didn’t happen, her fiancé could have divorced her, and then if her own father rejected her, too, she could have been forced into begging or prostitution to earn a living. Obviously, the “gift” God was giving Mary was NOT going to make her popular or well-respected.

If Mary followed through on this, then to everyone observing, she would look like a sinner – someone with major issues. In fact, I’m sure everyone in Nazareth must have assumed that the only reason something like this would happen to her was because she was disgraced in God’s eyes. This was not a pleasant situation.

Things aren't always as they seem...

To a lesser degree, Mary’s dilemma reminded me of my own. Like in Mary’s case, I was in a situation that made me feel disrespected by everyone I knew. Not only was I looked down upon by other people, but because of my singleness, I appeared to be disfavored by God, as well.

But the good news I found in Mary’s story was this: Despite what everyone must have thought of her, the truth of the situation was that Mary was not going through this because God was displeased with her; rather, she was going through this because she found favor with him! Mary was subjected to disrespect not because there was something wrong with her, but because there was something very right!

What this showed me was that things are not always as they seem. Even when everyone around me interprets some aspect of my life as a sign of something wrong with me, that doesn’t mean they’re right!

That’s because the way God evaluates is not the same as the way the world evaluates.

Mary's strange response...

Mary obviously got this concept. Despite knowing how she would appear to the world if she did this thing, Mary agreed to the angel’s request. Not only that, but Mary reacted to her situation with joy! She said in Luke 1:46-49, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is his name.” What? She’s rejoicing and thanking God for this disaster?! She’s expecting future generations to call her blessed?! What’s this girl smoking?

As I thought about it, I realized that the only way Mary could have possibly responded in this manner is if she found her identity in God alone, and not in others’ opinions of her or in her status in society. Because Mary realized that the only reliable assessment of her worth was the one that came from God, she was secure enough in who she was that she could disregard her reputation and take God up on the opportunity of a lifetime. That was amazing to me. I didn’t know where Mary got that kind of assurance, but I did know that I wanted to have it, too.

Joseph...

Mary’s not the only one in the story who had this kind of confidence. There was another person who stood to lose his reputation and respect – Joseph. When Joseph found out that his fiancé was pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his, he must have been the subject of all the town gossip. After all, he was the fool who’d been oblivious to the fact that his girl was a loose woman. Now, in that culture, when something bad happened to you, it was taken as a sign of God’s displeasure with you. So surely people would have assumed that some horrible flaw in Joseph was the cause of his disgrace. And the only way Joseph could have possibly regained some respect was to give Mary the punishment she deserved – to divorce her and to send her off to fend for herself.

But that’s not what he did! When the angel came to him with a pretty unbelievable story about Mary being God’s baby momma, Joseph did what God asked and followed through on his marriage to Mary. Instead of trying to save his reputation and self-respect, Joseph chose to be a participant in God’s plan, because he knew that things are not always as they seem. Even when everyone around him saw a pitiful, rejected tool, Joseph knew that they were wrong. His identity was based completely in what God thought of him; not in how he appeared to the world.

The confidence of Mary and Joseph was something that I longed to have. I would have given anything to be so secure in my identity that I could throw my reputation and self-respect to the wind in order to follow God. But the problem was that I just wasn’t sure if I bought into this idea that God doesn’t assign worth based on the world’s standards. What does that mean? If he doesn’t see things the way the world does, then how does he see things? As usual, God didn’t leave me hanging for long.

08 - Preview

I was starting to concede that maybe my distress over being single was exaggerated by my incomplete view of the situation. God was telling me that, just like a toddler who assumes his life is ruined because he’s been left with a babysitter for an hour, things weren’t really as bad as they felt to me. Okay. Maybe there was some truth to that. But seriously, what kind of starry-eyed perspective could God possibly be coming from that would make me want to embrace my singlehood?

The Golden Ticket

You see, here was my way of seeing things: A relationship was my ticket to the main attraction. It was what I needed to get in the door so that I could experience the love, approval, fulfillment, and purpose that other people had. All the good things in life were behind that door, and without that ticket, I’d miss out on all of them.

So I centered my entire life around my pursuit of the golden ticket. Behind everything I did was the underlying goal of finding a relationship. When I went to a party, I considered the night a failure if no one asked for my number. When I joined a small group at church, I considered it a failure if there was no potential partner in the crowd. When I went to the grocery store, I considered the trip a failure if I didn’t rate a second look. Based on these standards, nearly every minute of my life was a failure, and my consistent inability to attain the ticket caused me understandable anxiety, because without it, I was doomed to miss out on everything good in life.

Coming from that perspective, when God told me that being single wasn’t that bad, frankly, I thought he was delusional. Are you kidding me? How could it not be that bad to miss out on everything good that the world has to offer?! However, as I started listening to God’s point of view, it dawned on me that the significance I placed on relationships was another roadblock in my conversation with him.

The Preview

This is what he began to show me. According to God, a relationship was not the ticket to the main attraction after all. It was not the prerequisite for my experience of love, approval, fulfillment, and purpose. In fact, God told me that I could have all of those things (and more), even if I never got married. That’s because in reality, relationships aren’t the main attraction. Rather, they’re just the preview.

Let me explain. When I’m considering seeing a movie at the theater, I usually like to watch the preview ahead of time. Having some foreknowledge of the storyline gets me excited about the actual film, and it helps me to decide if I really want to drop 10 bucks on a mere two hours of entertainment. If I do decide it’s worth it, sometimes the preview helps me to understand the movie better by establishing a point of reference and some background knowledge for me. It gets my mind thinking about the story ahead of time. So movie trailers can be a pretty valuable part of the overall motion picture experience.

But you’ll never catch me spending $10 to see just a preview. I’ve never planned my Saturday night around the trailer for a movie, and I’ve never put the opening of a new preview on my calendar. I’ve never felt as though, in the long run, missing out on the trailer caused me to miss out on my enjoyment of the actual movie.

Why is that? It’s because the preview is a valuable thing, but it’s not the main attraction. The preview gives me a clue of what the film is going to be like, and it gets me excited about what I’m going to see, but the preview is not the thing I’m actually after. It’s just meant to whet my appetite.

But as weird as it would be to give more significance to the preview over the movie itself, God showed me that I was doing that very thing with relationships. You see, in my mind, a relationship was the main attraction – and because of that, I was dedicating everything I had to getting in the door.

But what if a relationship was really meant to be just a preview? What if it was really meant only to whet my appetite and to get me excited for the real thing?

The Main Attraction

What’s the real thing? Well, when God created the world, his intent was for us to live in perfect community with each other and with him. He planned for us to be fully loved and accepted. He designed us to be fulfilled and to live with a purpose. In other words, in God’s plan, everybody got free admittance to the main attraction – no ticket required – and that main attraction was the satisfaction that comes from a relationship with him.

But starting all the way back with Adam and Eve, we humans have messed up the system. Instead of enjoying the love and fulfillment that God intended for us, we’ve suspected that God is somehow holding out on us – that there’s something else out there that he’s withholding. Because of that, we spend all of our lives looking for the golden ticket that we think will gain us access to the elusive pot of gold. For Adam and Eve, that ticket was a piece of fruit from the forbidden tree. For me, it was a relationship. For others, it may be a career or reputation or money. Whatever we go after, it’s our continual searching and striving for something other than God that has sent our world spiraling into selfishness, bitterness, fear, rejection, and pain.

It’s no wonder that with all of that craziness around us, we’re all trying to find a way to make ourselves feel better! We’re trying to fix what we broke! And because God has given us this beautiful thing called a relationship, I, for one, assumed that this was the way for me to restore my life and to reconnect – that it was the way to gain access to all the perfection that God had in mind for me in the first place.

But the thing God showed me was this: As good as a relationship can be, it’s not the main attraction. Surprisingly, the main attraction is something much bigger than that! It’s the ultimate love story we’re all involved in – one that I wasn’t even aware of until recently. It’s the love story of God having his eyes set on us, but getting his heart broken over and over again as we continually reject him in order to chase after some other golden ticket. And at this point in the story when it should end in tragedy, God doesn’t give up on us. Instead, the story laid out in the Bible is one of him making himself vulnerable time and time again, always in order to win us back and to restore the world to the way it was supposed to be.

That’s the main attraction – the day when, despite our fickleness, God will finally set things right, and in returning to perfect community with him, we will actually get to experience all the love, approval, fulfillment, and purpose that we’ve been missing.

It’s no coincidence that to describe that day, God uses the metaphor of marriage. Revelation 21:2-3 says, “I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem (that’s God’s people!), coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.’”

So if that marriage is the main attraction, and the ticket to it is a relationship with God, then what is the significance of human relationships?

What God told me was that human relationships are the preview of the main attraction. They’re the trailer giving me some foreknowledge of the ultimate marriage I will one day have with him. Relationships help to prepare me for what the main attraction is going to be like. They help me to understand the way God feels about me. They give me a taste of what’s inside the door. They get me excited about what is to come. They whet my appetite for the real thing.

But they are not the feature presentation. Rather, the feature presentation is the fulfillment I’ll experience when my relationship with God is restored to perfection.

The Good News

To me, this was very good news! It means that when I’m single, I don’t have to worry that I’m missing out on something that everyone else has – because even if I skip the preview, I’m not missing out on the real thing.

It means that I don’t have to worry that married people are more fulfilled than I am, because the preview was never meant to impart the full experience of the movie, anyway. The real experience comes from the main attraction; not from the trailer.

It means that regardless of whether I’ve seen the preview, I can still get the same enjoyment out of the movie as everyone else.

It means that I don’t need to stress out about finding a relationship, because that’s equivalent to stressing out about missing a preview. Instead, I can just relax and enjoy one if it happens to come along.

Seeing a relationship as a preview of good things to come was a perspective that definitely intrigued me. But the thing it didn’t address was my biggest hang-up of all about relationships and marriage. It was this idea that having a boyfriend somehow validated me as a person and proved that I was worthwhile. It was the fear that if no one chose me, then it indicated that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. That’s a pretty hefty roadblock! And that’s where God took me next.

07 - Toddler

I was miserable, trying to use relationships to satisfy the hunger in my soul. And God was there, inviting me to give up my snacks and to find satisfaction in the feast that he had to offer. Problem solved, case closed, right?

Wrong. If you know me at all, you know that I get all the facts straight and think everything through before reaching a conclusion. I mean, I won’t even throw a pillow on the couch without analyzing the pros and cons of all the possible rotations and placements! (Don’t judge!) Anyway, when I do finally solidify something in my mind, I’m pretty sure I’m right, because I’ve taken the time to examine every angle.

The thing is, whereas this quality has helped me in many areas of my life, it wasn’t helping me in this conversation with God. You see, I’d thought it through. I’d weighed all the pros and cons of being single. I’d examined my life from every angle. And I was certain about my conclusion that no matter what God put on the table, I would never be satisfied if I stayed single. It was clear to me that if I didn’t find a boyfriend ASAP, then I’d be doomed to continue in my unfulfilled state – and that was simply unacceptable. I didn’t think it would be prudent to tell God to his face, but deep down, I just didn’t think he had a good handle on the way the world works.

Aiden...

Well, it turns out that God has a sense of humor. Instead of zapping me with lightning or trying to convince me of his wisdom through intellectual arguments, he decided to meet me at my level and to speak to me through the 2 year olds I volunteered with at church. The incident he used to get my attention was nothing out of the ordinary; it was just the way I interpreted it that made it significant.

Here’s what happened. One Sunday, when one of the toddler’s parents tried to leave him with me, he started crying hysterically. (The kid; not the parent.) Filled with compassion for the confused little boy who thought he’d been abandoned, I picked him up and tried to hold him close, but he wouldn’t stop fighting me.

I figured that his terror stemmed from an assumption that his parents were never coming back and that he’d have to live forever in this room full of crazy 2 year olds and one frazzled volunteer, so I tried to tell him the truth. I told poor Aiden that his parents were coming back; that they were only going to be gone for an hour; that he would only make the time more miserable for himself if he chose to spend it crying; that I was trying to help, not hurt him; that if he calmed down and tried playing with the toys in the room, he might discover that he actually liked it there. After all, I’d seen many other kids survive (and even thrive) in these same conditions, so I knew that his circumstances weren’t nearly as desperate as they seemed to him.

But nothing I said to him made one bit of difference. He just continued to resist me and to throw a fit. And really, I wasn’t surprised. Why? Because Aiden was 2 years old! He didn’t know enough about life to understand that his situation was temporary and that his predicament wasn’t nearly as bad as he thought it was. Not only that, but he didn’t know enough about language to understand the things I was trying to tell him about his situation. Plus, he didn’t know me well enough to know that I was trying to help him. Although I knew that Aiden’s entire situation could be improved if he just knew the truth about it, I couldn’t convince Aiden of that truth, because in his 2 year old mind, the only thing that felt real was his pain.

Adult Sized Todder...

That’s when I heard God talking to me. “Jill, don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re a terrified 2 year old in an uncertain situation, and I’m the one trying to comfort you. I know you’re feeling alone and scared and abandoned, but in reality, things aren’t as bad as you think they are! First of all, your loneliness is temporary. It only feels like forever to you because you can’t see the end of it. Secondly, you can enjoy your life right now if you’d just calm down and give it a shot! And most importantly, I wish you’d stop fighting me because I’m not trying to hurt you; I’m trying to help you! I hate seeing you upset, and I just wish I could help you see that despite how it feels, I’ve got your back and I’m not ever going to leave you alone.”

As I saw the parallels between Aiden’s predicament and my own, I began to understand the roadblock I was facing in my conversation with God. I had thought that I knew what was best for my life. I had thought that I had everything figured out. But suddenly I understood that I wasn’t as shrewd as I thought. As a matter of fact, I was a 2 year old in comparison to God.

Like Aiden, I had an immature and limited view of what was going on in regard to my singleness, and because of that perspective, I was reacting according to the pain I felt instead of reacting according to the truth of the situation.

Hope...

The incredible thing is that while I was throwing a fit, God wasn’t smacking me and telling me to shut up. On the contrary, he was holding me close, feeling compassion for me, and trying to show me the truth – that the only reason I thought my singleness was the end of the world was because I was 2 years old. And because of that, I didn’t know enough about life or God or the way he speaks to be able to see past my pain and to comprehend the fact that I could be fulfilled by him, even if my relationship status didn’t change.

Well, I have to admit, this comparison was certainly humbling. But on the other hand, it was really good news! You see, from my perspective, my prospects were hopeless. I was doomed either to a life of unending dissatisfaction and loneliness or to a life of perpetual striving to find and keep the relationship that would save me. But if it was true that I was looking at things through a 2 year old’s eyes, then that meant there was hope for my life after all – it’s just that I couldn’t see it!

David and Me...

Later that week, as I was reading Psalm 63, I came across someone else who was facing a similar situation. David, the writer of the prayer, was the king of Israel, but when his son incited a rebellion, he was forced to flee to the desert to hide from his enemies. Okay, so I’ve never been the king. But like me, David wrote this prayer when he was confused, lonely, and worried about the direction of his life. He must’ve thought he’d never be fulfilled unless he got things back on track with his plan for the future. He must’ve felt like he was in a lose-lose situation.

But what I loved about David’s prayer was that unlike me, he didn’t get stuck inside his 2 year old perspective. He acknowledged that he felt hungry, thirsty, and weary; but then he didn’t fixate on those feelings and throw a temper tantrum. He didn’t insist on doing whatever it took to get his own way. Instead, he admitted that someone else had a more complete perspective on the situation than he did – God.

And because he understood that he didn’t have a complete perspective, David had hope. He was able to say in verses 3 & 5, “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.” David certainly didn’t feel right then that God’s love was better than life, or that his soul was currently satisfied, but since he knew that there was a reality beyond his feelings, David trusted that God would bring him satisfaction.

Not only that, but because he acknowledged that God understood his situation better than he did, David was able to rest. In verse 6, he said, “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Whereas my reaction was to fret, complain, and try to solve my own problems, David didn’t do any of that. Rather, he gave all of his stress to God, and instead of focusing on his heartache, David focused on the only one who could truly heal his broken heart.

Finally, in verse 8, David said, “My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” I realized that what was true for David was true for me, as well. It’s only when I cling to God (instead of clinging to my own solutions or worries) that I’m able to feel him upholding me. God is always there to uphold me, but many times I act like a toddler who doesn’t want to go somewhere that my dad is trying to take me. God is holding onto my hand, but I’m thrashing all over the place, pulling away, and demanding my own way. Even through my temper tantrum, he’s still holding onto me, but I’m making things a lot less pleasant for myself than if I’d just calm down, hold onto him, too, and let him take me where he wants – especially since he, like a parent, knows a lot more about what’s best for me than I do as a toddler.

Maybe God knows what he's talking about...

Well, God certainly had me seeing things in a different light. I didn’t want to continue acting like a bratty 2 year old who thinks she knows what’s best. I wanted to quit throwing temper tantrums, and to cling to God the way he clings to me so that I could have the hope and rest that David experienced.

These were all lovely sentiments, but I’m sure you can guess that it still didn’t solve all my problems. You see, though I was now able to acknowledge that God had a wiser and more mature view of my singleness than I did, I still wasn’t sure just what that view entailed. So, of course, that’s what he started to reveal to me next.

06 - Snacks

Hungry...

Although God’s offer to be the author and hero of my story intrigued me, I couldn’t get completely on board. You see, the thing that ruled all my thoughts and decisions was this intense feeling of emptiness and lack of fulfillment. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was hungry for … Adventure? Romance? All I knew was that I couldn’t take another 70 years of the same old daily grind. I assumed that a relationship was the thing I needed to fill that void, so I just couldn’t justify doing anything that might sabotage my chances of finding a guy – including handing my story over to God.

This undercurrent of hunger and dissatisfaction flavored every moment of my life. What made it worse was that no one seemed to understand or care! Even my best friend (who had a boyfriend) blew it all off and advised me, “You just need to be joyful like I am.” Well, that’s easy for you to say, sister! You have a man!

So I decided to cover it up by acting the part of the happy-go-lucky person who had it all together. But I couldn’t fool myself, so in the meantime, I dedicated myself to keeping busy with anything and everything that would occupy my mind and prevent me from giving in to my depression – whether that was work, church functions, social activities, redecorating the house, watching paint dry – anything to stay busy.

It was during this time that I met Tom. Tom was everything I didn’t want in a guy –closed off, self-centered, and dishonest – but since I so desperately needed something to fill me up, I let myself get sucked in. He offered me a taste of the adventure and romance I wanted, and it was only when I was with Tom that I felt even slightly alive. So although I was compromising everything I believed in, and although he quite often made me miserable, the brief moments of happiness that I found with him were worth all of the pain.

Snacks...

It was then that God started another conversation with me. One day as I was leaving Tom’s house, he stopped me with a question. He said, “Jill, why are you trying to fill yourself up like this? Don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re bingeing on snacks as if Little Debbie’s going out of business, when all the while I’ve been standing here offering you a five course feast! Why are you settling?”

God sure knows how to get my attention by speaking the language of food! Besides that, when I heard his question, I was so relieved. At last, someone noticed my pain and cared! Without holding anything back, I unloaded all my hunger to God. I told him that I couldn’t stand feeling unfulfilled, that I hated how I was selling him out, that I wished I could remove myself from this mess, but I was just so scared that if I didn’t assuage my hunger at least a little bit with Tom, then I might starve to death.

I don’t know what I expected God to say back, but the response he gave me totally blew my mind. He said, “Jill, I understand what you’re saying. And the hunger you’re feeling is actually a good thing. Just like physical hunger, the spiritual kind is there for a reason – to alert you to the fact that you’re in need of sustenance. But the problem is that instead of eating the food that will actually give you what you need to live, you’re filling up on snacks – work, friends, busyness, achievements, and Tom.

“These snacks taste good, and they seem to alleviate your hunger, but in reality, they’re not giving you the nutrition that you need in order to thrive. Now, it’s not bad to eat snacks once in a while, but when you’re relying on them as your primary source of sustenance, you’re going to run into problems. It’s like eating a candy bar for dinner. It may take the edge off your hunger, but it’s not going to sustain you.

“You’ve assumed that you’re supposed to get the spiritual ‘food’ you need from a relationship. And, as a matter of fact, you’re right! It is a relationship that will give you life. But here’s the roadblock: You thought that relationship was with another person, when in fact, you’ve really been designed to get life and sustenance from a relationship with me. Feasting with me means getting to know me, finding your life in me, and living according to my plan. Ultimately, that’s the only relationship that will satisfy you. Everything else will leave you wanting more.”

Excuses...

Well, I certainly recognized what God was saying. I knew that I’d been stuffing my life full of anything possible to keep my mind off my hunger pains. I was constantly busy. My mind was constantly working. But as full as I was, I never felt filled.

Still, I wasn’t ready to sign up for this “God diet” yet. I had all kinds of excuses. First of all, I thought, maybe my problem was not snacks in general, but that I just hadn’t eaten the right snacks yet. I mean, I already knew that Tom wasn’t what I was really looking for. Maybe if I could just find the right guy, then I would have what I needed.

Plus, I was hungry NOW. I didn’t want to wait around for God’s feast to satisfy me. I couldn’t help but think of people in the Bible like David or Joseph or Abraham, who waited 20+ years for God to give them what he had promised. Would that be my fate, as well, if I decided to hold out for his feast? At least I could have snacks now!

And how could I really be sure that God had a feast prepared for me? Sure, I’d read verses like John 10:10: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” And 1 Corinthians 2:9: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” But when you really got down to it, I hadn’t seen God’s feast, so how did I know it existed? Snacks, on the other hand, were readily available. I’d rather have them than go to bed hungry!

For the sake of argument, let’s say God’s feast did exist. Well, I still didn’t want to bank on it before I’d even read the menu. What if I didn’t like what God put on my plate? I thought about people like Paul, who was shipwrecked, beaten, and imprisoned; or Job, who followed God and lost everything he had. Looking at the fate of some of God’s top guys, I was afraid that his feast wouldn’t get my 5 star review. At least snacks would give me temporary pleasure, though!

Truth...

God listened to me patiently, and then he responded with this: “Jill, your excuses seem logical, but choosing snacks over the feast always has consequences. First, eating snacks spoils your appetite. When your stomach isn’t growling so loudly anymore, you’re lulled into a false feeling of satisfaction, but in reality, you’re slowly starving because you aren’t eating from the source of life.

“Another problem is that the feeling of fullness they provide doesn’t last. Snacks just make you want more and more. So if your life comes from advancing in your career, then each promotion you get will satisfy you temporarily, but it won’t be long before you’re looking for the next advancement. Or if your life comes from human relationships, then you’ll never be satisfied unless you’re in one, and even when you are, you’ll be working to hold onto it or to find a better one. Snacks provide temporary relief from hunger, but they don’t provide a permanent source of life.

“But here’s the worst part: If all you eat is snacks, you’re going to get fat. But while you’re getting fat, the ironic thing is that you’re also starving to death. Although you’re taking in plenty of calories, they’re empty calories – not containing the nutrients that you need. So ultimately, if all you eat is snacks, you’re going to die. That’s why you feel the way you do right now – as if you’re living but not alive.

“And I HATE seeing you feel that way! That’s why I said in Matthew 5:6, ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.’ You see, the cure for your emptiness is to seek after me; not snacks. If you eat from my feast, you will be filled, even if it doesn’t happen in the way you might have expected it to.

“I know it’s difficult. But it’s just like going on a diet. When you first cut out snacking, it’s all you can think about 24/7. But eventually things start to change. You start to enjoy your meals more because you’re not filling up on snacks ahead of time. Plus, you’re able to fit into your clothes, and you start to feel better and more energetic in general. And if you stick to it long enough, your cravings will start to change. Instead of dreaming of brownies, you might actually begin to want fruit. You could never force yourself to change your desires, but when you make the choice to eat healthier foods, your feelings and your hunger will eventually follow.

“It’s the same way with my feast. It’s really hard to forgo the snacks when that’s where you’ve been trying to get your life for so long. And truthfully, you can’t make yourself hunger after me. But if you make the choice to go after me instead of the snacks, I’ll meet you where you are, and I’ll start to change things. You’ll actually begin to enjoy hungering after me and eating from my feast. Your life will ‘fit’ better, and you’ll start to feel more alive. When you make the choice to hunger after me, your feelings will follow. That’s what I meant when I said in John 6:27 & 35, ‘Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.’”

Well, God had certainly given me a lot to think about. His offer of a fulfilling feast was very appealing. But as usual, I couldn’t make the leap. It just didn’t make sense that I could be fulfilled by something as ethereal as a relationship with God. Luckily, despite my hesitation and unbelief, God wasn’t done talking to me yet.

05 - Hero

After our conversation about authorship, God almost had me convinced that my life would be better off if I let him write it. Almost. But I was still reluctant to hand over the pen because I was afraid that without my input, God might not bring the story to its proper conclusion in which I found my Prince Charming and then mawwiage, mawwiage brought us together today as I was transformed into a princess bride.

You see, in my mind, there was no way I could become the person I thought I should be if I didn’t get married. I mean, all the perpetually single people that I knew were socially awkward beyond belief! There was one who must have been training to be a ventriloquist because she consistently talked without moving her mouth. Another one was just plain mean. My friend and I often debated whether their weirdness was the cause of their single status, or whether it was a result. I’m pretty sure it was a toss up. All I knew was that I certainly did NOT want to end up like that!

Besides that, everyone was telling me that marriage is the stamp of approval on a person’s life. It’s the sign of someone who has “made it”, who is well-thought of and respected, and who has it all together. One friend even told me point blank that my life had no purpose if I was single. So I was convinced that the only way the hero of my story could win was if I got married. Anything less would be a tragedy.

Now, I knew that I wasn’t having any success with this endeavor when I tried to write my own story, but the thing that scared me about God was that I wasn’t 100% sure about his commitment to bringing the hero out on top. I mean, in most hero tales, the hero is the one who saves the day, who gets all the recognition, and who receives the reward. But in the story of Moses, it didn’t work like that.

Instead of saving the day, all Moses got to do was to act as the emcee, announcing the way God wanted the whole thing to go down. Instead of getting recognition, all Moses got was rebuke, as the people told him they would have preferred to remain as slaves. Instead of receiving the reward, all Moses got was a brief glimpse of the Promised Land as he prepared to die. This could not have been the way Moses wanted his story to turn out! And if that’s how God treated Moses, then there was no telling how my story might conclude!

I couldn’t figure out why God didn’t seem to care that his heroes always lost in the end. Why would he offer to write my story when the resolutions to his plots were no better than my own?

That’s when God revealed the roadblock in our conversation. He said, “Jill, you’re right that Moses didn’t get the hero’s welcome in this story. But there’s a good reason for that. It’s because he’s not the hero. I am.”

And as I looked back, I realized that God had intended to be the hero all along. In fact, he announced over and over again that the ultimate objective of this whole “free the slaves” operation was for the Israelites and Egyptians to see his power and to recognize him as the Lord. (Ex. 3:12 & 15, 6:7, 7:5 & 17, 8:22, 9:16, 10:2)

His goal wasn’t merely for Moses to earn a notch on his belt by freeing his people from a few years of oppression. His goal was much bigger than that! It was to open everyone’s eyes to the fact that there is a God who brings freedom to all people, in all lands, in all times. His goal was to initiate a whole new way of doing life.

But Moses didn’t get it at first; he thought it was all about him. He assumed that he was supposed to be the hero, so when things didn’t go his way, he complained.

That’s when God set him straight. Basically, he told him, “Look, Moses. You’re stuck inside your limited, narrow-minded perspective in which it’s all about your fame and your comfort and your ego. To you, the ultimate goal is to make yourself look good. And it’s your life! You’re certainly welcome to live like that if you want to, but if you do, then the only people you’ll affect will be yourself and those immediately surrounding you, and when your story ends, it will all be over. All that will be left of you will be a fading memory.

“On the other hand, I’d like to write you into a much bigger story than that! If you could step outside of yourself for just a minute, you’d see that I’m writing a story that goes far beyond just your own little life – one that’s going to have an impact on entire nations, for generations to come. I have a purpose that I am carrying out in this world – to restore it to the harmony and freedom that I intended when I created it – and I’d like for you to be a part of that purpose. Yeah, you won’t be the main character, but you’ll still play an important role, and you’ll be a part of a legacy that lasts forever. Wouldn’t you rather be a part of that story?”

Obviously, Moses said yes. And although he didn’t get acclaim in the way that he may have planned, he actually got to be a part of something much bigger than himself. He got to line up his life with a purpose that was going to continue even after he was gone – a purpose that’s still affecting us over 2000 years later!

As I thought about Moses, I realized that we were very similar. Like him, I was confused and upset because the story wasn’t going my way. My story didn’t seem to be progressing toward marriage, and to me, that meant I was failing as a hero.

But God told me something very similar to what he told Moses. He said, “Jill, the reason you don’t appreciate the storyline is because you think you’re supposed to be the hero. And it’s your choice. You can try to be the hero if you think that’s best. You can focus all of your energies on getting married and you can make that the ultimate goal of your life. But if you do, then your purpose will last only as long as you’re alive, and you’ll have a minimal effect on the world.

“However, if you’re up for it, I’d like you to try on a different storyline in which I’m the hero. I’m inviting you to line up your ultimate goal with mine, and to join me in an adventure of epic proportions. Now, this adventure may involve you getting married, and it may not. But either way, wouldn’t you rather live for something bigger than yourself?”

The things God was telling me were very intriguing. Of course I wanted to have an impact on the world! Of course I wanted to be a part of an epic adventure!

The most intriguing thing was this: God was telling me that he already knows the end of his storyline, and it concludes with the hero’s victory – his victory. He will accomplish his purpose to set the world back on track. Now, for me, that was really good news. You see, I’d gotten myself so stressed out, always worrying that I was going to end up a failure; that I was going to be a disappointment; that I was going to go down as a tragic hero. But it was quite a relief to know that even if I didn’t achieve recognition and reward (a.k.a. marriage), my story could still be a success; that I could still have significance and purpose on a grander scale. It really took the pressure off of me to know that no matter how I fell short, the hero would still win!

For me, it was all about perspective. I had been reading my story from a first person point of view in which everything revolved around me. But the problem with that perspective was that I couldn’t see or know anything beyond myself.

On the other hand, God was inviting me to read my story from the point of view of the third person, omniscient narrator. In that case, the story wouldn’t revolve solely around me, but I would have a much better perspective on how everything fit together in the grand scheme of things.

If I could have gotten behind it, that would have been a pretty awesome perspective to adopt. But I have to admit, acknowledging God as the author and hero still didn’t make me happy to be single. That’s because I was struggling with other massive roadblocks, too – the roadblocks of feeling unfulfilled, restless, and dissatisfied. That’s where God started talking to me next.

04 - Author

It’s impossible to describe these conversations in chronological order, as many of them occurred simultaneously over periods of months or years, but one of the early roadblocks that God decided to tackle concerned my view of my life story.

Here’s how it started. For several months, I had been pining away over my latest crush, Michael. When a group of our friends decided to take a trip that summer, I decided I should make my move. Throughout the trip, I continuously positioned myself to be within arm’s length of Michael, and I turned on all the charm I could muster. Whenever he exhibited any glimmer of recognition of the leech at his side, my hyperactive female mind went into overdrive. You know how it goes… “He said ‘hi’ to me – he must be interested! We both like beef – it’s a match made in heaven! He touched my arm as he tripped over me trying to escape – he must think I’m hot!”

In my mind, the wedding was planned and paid for. But when days and then weeks went by, and Michael still hadn’t made a move, I had to admit that no matter how hard I tried, this wasn’t going to happen. Just like every other episode of my life, my efforts to garner a husband had ended in failure.

This was so frustrating and demoralizing! I mean, I wasn’t sitting at home expecting to marry the pizza delivery guy; I was trying my very best! I was constantly putting my mind to work, trying to figure out the best places to meet my future husband. Then when I went there and found some possibilities, I’d figure out exactly the right things to say and do. I’d be sure that my planning had lined up a slam dunk…but inevitably, my future husband would choose one of my friends over me. I was trying so hard to write my story, but I was out of ideas for bringing about a happy ending, and this incident with Michael was just another reminder of my writer’s block.

I remember complaining to God about this one day. I thought, “Man, this is the story of my life. No matter what I do, every chapter ends the same way – with the hero left all alone and exposed as a miserable failure. I’ve tried every plot twist I can think of to bring a happy resolution, but the more I try to engineer the plot, the more frustrated I get! If my life were a book, it would be the worst seller in history! I mean, God, even you have to be tired of rereading my same mistakes over and over again. Who wants to read a novel in which the hero never wins?”

This really upset me. Growing up, I’d always been able to accomplish whatever I wanted using discipline, hard work, and creativity. So when I encountered this unattainable goal that I couldn’t achieve with any amount of effort or manipulation, it really caused me to re-evaluate my perception of myself. Was my story destined to be a tragedy?

As I wrestled with this, I came across the story of Moses in Exodus. Though I’d read it many times before, something about it hit me differently that day. In this account, God told Moses that he had an important purpose for his life: he wanted Moses to free the Israelites from slavery.

Now, if I were Moses writing my own story, I would have written it something like this: Moses is a highly esteemed, fearless champion who rides in on a white horse, rallies all the Israelites to form an army, leads them to strike down Pharaoh and his men in a climactic battle, and then victoriously guides the people to the Promised Land, where he wins the girl and everyone thinks he’s great and builds a statue of him. That’s the logical way to develop the story of a hero freeing his people, right?

But that’s not how it goes. First, Moses was no Chuck Norris. He was deficient in the very skill required for his mission: public speaking. Plus, he was an outcast who’d been forced to live alone in the wilderness for 40 years. What kind of hero is that? And Moses was no William Wallace, either. When he told the people that he wanted to secure their freedom, they responded by calling down fire on him! With that kind of reception, it’s kind of hard to build an army and lead a charge.

Moses was more like Clark Kent than Superman. When he tried to confront Pharaoh, he came away looking ridiculous as Pharaoh turned down his request 9 times. Even when he did finally get the Israelites out of Egypt, there was never a definitive battle. Instead, they just anti-climactically snuck away in middle of the night. And then, of course, it wasn’t over because Pharaoh came after them, and Moses still didn’t get to fight. To add insult to injury, when they were finally free from Egypt for good, the Israelites complained to Moses, saying they wished he had never rescued them from slavery in the first place! And then the worst part is that Moses died just before everyone else got to enter the Promised Land. The guy couldn’t win! It reminded me of my own story – no matter what I did, I couldn’t write it so that the hero came out on top.

At first, this made me mad. I mean, I was doing everything in my power to find a husband, and none of my schemes were working. I was so worried that I’d never find a way to give my plotline a happy ending. I thought, “God, can’t you give us a little help down here? Don’t you see Moses and me struggling to write our stories? Don’t you even care that the hero never wins?”

But my complaint didn’t make sense even to me! I knew that God cared. I knew that he wanted to help me. So I felt like I must be missing some huge piece of the puzzle. As I continued to talk with God about it, he finally began to reveal the roadblock that was hindering this conversation. Here’s what it was: I’d been feeling sorry for Moses and myself, blaming God for not helping us to write our stories. But suddenly I realized it was true that Moses would’ve never cooked up this storyline for himself.

That’s because Moses was not the author of his story. God was.

It’s true! When I read it carefully, I saw that God was always the one calling the shots; not Moses. All along, God was the one with the plan; not Moses. In fact, God was the one who suggested this crazy “freeing the slaves” business to Moses in the first place! I never saw Moses struggling to devise a way to accomplish his mission; he just took the next step that God revealed to him. He didn’t strategize to get what he wanted; he just did whatever God told him to do.

Moses didn’t have to deal with frustrating and demoralizing writer’s block as he tried to write the story. That’s because he wasn’t the one holding the pen! And when he handed it over and let God write, the Master Author included events in his story that Moses never could have dreamed up for himself, much less accomplished.

Sure, he didn’t build an army and fight a battle, but he got to experience far more amazing things than that! He saw God send a plague on all of the livestock, but spare the Israelites’ animals. He saw God rain down hail to destroy everything in Egypt, but protect the Israelites’ land. He saw God send an angel to kill all the firstborn sons, but pass over the Israelites’ homes. He saw God part a sea to let his people through, but replace the water to drown their pursuers. He saw God literally deliver bread from heaven each day for the people to eat.

I’d say that even though Moses probably wouldn’t have planned it this way, the story turned out far better than anything he would have authored for himself. When he didn’t insist on writing it, Moses got to play a role in a pretty amazing story – a bestseller that we’re still reading thousands of years later!

In that moment, God said to me: “Jill, you’re trying to be the author of your story. You’re spending all of your time trying to steer the plot so that it ends the way you want it to – with your wedding – but instead of getting a happy ending, you’re just getting stressed out! You can keep doing that if you want, but don’t you know there’s a limit to what you can humanly accomplish?

“On the other hand, I’m willing to take over the stress of planning, and I would love to write some miraculous God-sized events into your plot, but it means you’ll have to give up the pen and let me write. You’ll have to give up your preconceptions about how you want the story to go and let me figure it out. You’ll have to stop trying to arrange everything to accomplish your idea of a happy ending. But if you do give up the rights to your story, you’ll find that I’m writing a masterpiece far more exciting and compelling than you ever could.”

On the one hand, this was good news! I didn’t have to be in charge of engineering my life anymore! I loved this idea because the more I tried to write, the more frustrated I was becoming (and all I achieved with all of my efforts was a tabloid). But God was promising a timeless classic if I’d give up and let him write the story the way he wanted it to go! This possibility really intrigued me.

But I just wasn’t sure if I could trust him with something as important as my life story. Sure, God’s adventures are exciting, but I still didn’t know if I liked the way he developed his heroes. After all, Moses never achieved the recognition and reward that a hero deserves, and I was afraid of a similar fate. I didn’t think I could deal with a resolution that didn’t include my marriage in the near future.

That’s when God took me even deeper into the story of Moses to knock over some more of my roadblocks.