03 - Roadblock

You’d think that the re-evaluation of my game plan would have been easy with God on my side, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. To me, it seemed that whenever God called a play, it was one that my playbook predicted to end in my defeat. He was saying ridiculous things like, “Jill, just relax and quit trying to find a relationship everywhere you go.” And, “Your goal should be to give love; not to receive it.” And, “I want you to let me take care of this instead of doing it yourself.” But in my mind, these instructions would lead to a life of permanent singleness! I couldn’t figure out why God wanted me to give up my game plan when his seemed to be leading to even worse results! I wasn’t sure if we were on the same page.

Then I remembered a conversation that opened my eyes to what was going on.

Several years ago, I decided to visit a church called Crossroads that was across town from me. Several days later, I mentioned to my parents that I had gone there. My dad was curious, and he asked me what it was like. I told him that there were tons of people, that I thought it was great how “real” everyone was, that I liked the contemporary feel of the big screens all over the room, that the music was some of the best I’d ever heard. In fact, I planned to go back every week. Hearing my rave review, my dad was excited and mentioned that he would like to check it out, too.

Up until this point, my mom had made appropriate comments, and she had seemed to be tracking with our conversation. But now she seemed confused. The first indication of a problem was her bewilderment about our enthusiasm. Then she asked me something that seemed strange. “Was the food good? What did you get?”

I have to admit, her question left me somewhat taken aback, as I’ve never heard of a church that’s known for their food. Confused, I told her that they didn’t have any food there. At that point, my mom was really befuddled. “Then why,” she said, “did you even go there in the first place?” It was clear to me at this point that somewhere in this conversation, there had been a communication breakdown.

Well, to make a long story short, it turned out that my mom had assumed that I was talking about Crossroads Wings and Rings – a sports bar down the street from their house – and it had never even crossed her mind that Crossroads might be a church!

After a good laugh, I started to think: Isn’t it crazy how two people can think they’re talking about the same thing – how all the words can line up – but then at some point, you find out you’re coming from two completely different perspectives?

Because of her culture, her background, and her experiences, my mom automatically assumed that Crossroads was a place for wings and beer, and because of that perspective, she took everything she heard and tried to fit it into her pre-existing belief. And for a while that worked! My comments about people, big screens, and music all fit into her schema of what Crossroads should be. It wasn’t until we really hit a roadblock in our conversation that either one of us started to think that we might not be talking about the same thing.

And that roadblock – although it was confusing and uncomfortable at first – was actually a good thing, because it was the impetus for getting us on the same page. It forced my mom to make a choice. She could have chosen to stubbornly hold on to her idea of what Crossroads is supposed to be. (After all, that’s the perspective of everyone else in our neighborhood.) Or she could have chosen to adjust her perspective to one that was more accurate in the conversation we were having. (Even though that meant turning her back on what she and her culture had always assumed about establishments called Crossroads.)

Now, if my mom had refused to believe that Crossroads was a church, that would have just been weird. But I started to realize that I was doing that very thing in my conversation with God. I couldn’t understand what he was telling me about relationships because I was running it all through the filter of what my culture, my friends, my church, and my (sometimes well-meaning) relatives said about it. I had never actually stopped to figure out if I understood it all the way God did.

That’s when I started to ask myself: What if my assumptions about singleness and marriage have been shaped by my culture, my background, and my experiences? What if, up until now, my assumptions have seemed to jive with reality because I’ve been able to stuff everything into my pre-existing schema and make it fit? But what if this roadblock in the conversation was the very thing I needed to help me see my misinterpretations and correct them?

For example, I believed that getting married by age 25 and settling down with 2.5 kids was the only normal way to live and the only possible way to lead a complete and happy life. I thought that if I didn’t do that, I’d never fit in with society, and I’d miss out on something that everyone else had. For a while, that perspective worked for me because I still had hope that my life would turn out that way. But when I found that I couldn’t make it happen for myself, and when God didn’t give me the things I thought I had to have, that left me with two choices. I could assume either that he didn’t care about me, or that he wasn’t strong enough to do it. But neither one of those choices made sense based on what I knew about God!

I also believed that I needed a man to prove that I was worthy of love. I thought that as a single person, I was only half of a whole; that I was incomplete. For a while, that perspective worked for me because I could sustain myself with temporary fixes when guys showed interest in me. But when I couldn’t find someone to give me the permanent stamp of approval and completeness, I was left with two choices. I could assume either that God thought I was worthless, or that he was just ignoring me. But neither of those choices made sense based on what I knew about God!

And then it occurred to me. What if I’m failing to understand this conversation because God and I are coming from two different perspectives? What if I assumed that marriage was the ultimate goal of life only because that’s what society told me? But what if God had never said that at all? And what if I assumed that a relationship was the only way I’d find validation and completion only because that’s what society told me? But what if God had never said that at all? What if God actually had been taking care of me all along, and I just couldn’t see it because I was approaching the conversation thinking Crossroads was a wings place?

As I began to consider these things, God reminded me that he’s been warning us about these roadblocks in the conversation all along.

He said it in Isaiah 55:8-9: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”

He said it in 1 Corinthians 1:18-19: “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: ‘I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.’”

He said it in Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

He said it repeatedly in Matthew 5: “You have heard that it was said…but I tell you…”

Clearly, the way God thinks is pretty different from the way I usually think (and since he’s the one who actually created the world, it’s much more likely that his way of thinking is correct). And because of that, the only way I can have a productive conversation with him is when I take the time to learn what his perspective actually is, and then get myself on the same page with him.

Now, let me clarify. God did NOT tell me that dating and marriage are bad things. He did NOT say that I should never want to fall in love or get married. But what he DID say to me was that my having (or not having) a relationship was not my real issue – that being single was not the cause of my unhappiness. He showed me that I just assumed that was my problem because that’s the American perspective, and I’m naturally trying to fit everything that happens to me into my culture’s traditions and mores. He told me that he wanted to teach me his perspective on the whole thing.

But as much as I recognized my need for a perspective shift, I wasn’t immediately aware of all the assumptions that needed changing, and I certainly wasn’t aware of how hard that would be to accomplish. Luckily, though, God hadn’t given up on me. In fact, I discovered over the next couple of years that he wanted so much to engage me in conversation that he was willing to do whatever it took to remove those roadblocks.

Would you like to join the conversation, too?