07 - Toddler

I was miserable, trying to use relationships to satisfy the hunger in my soul. And God was there, inviting me to give up my snacks and to find satisfaction in the feast that he had to offer. Problem solved, case closed, right?

Wrong. If you know me at all, you know that I get all the facts straight and think everything through before reaching a conclusion. I mean, I won’t even throw a pillow on the couch without analyzing the pros and cons of all the possible rotations and placements! (Don’t judge!) Anyway, when I do finally solidify something in my mind, I’m pretty sure I’m right, because I’ve taken the time to examine every angle.

The thing is, whereas this quality has helped me in many areas of my life, it wasn’t helping me in this conversation with God. You see, I’d thought it through. I’d weighed all the pros and cons of being single. I’d examined my life from every angle. And I was certain about my conclusion that no matter what God put on the table, I would never be satisfied if I stayed single. It was clear to me that if I didn’t find a boyfriend ASAP, then I’d be doomed to continue in my unfulfilled state – and that was simply unacceptable. I didn’t think it would be prudent to tell God to his face, but deep down, I just didn’t think he had a good handle on the way the world works.

Aiden...

Well, it turns out that God has a sense of humor. Instead of zapping me with lightning or trying to convince me of his wisdom through intellectual arguments, he decided to meet me at my level and to speak to me through the 2 year olds I volunteered with at church. The incident he used to get my attention was nothing out of the ordinary; it was just the way I interpreted it that made it significant.

Here’s what happened. One Sunday, when one of the toddler’s parents tried to leave him with me, he started crying hysterically. (The kid; not the parent.) Filled with compassion for the confused little boy who thought he’d been abandoned, I picked him up and tried to hold him close, but he wouldn’t stop fighting me.

I figured that his terror stemmed from an assumption that his parents were never coming back and that he’d have to live forever in this room full of crazy 2 year olds and one frazzled volunteer, so I tried to tell him the truth. I told poor Aiden that his parents were coming back; that they were only going to be gone for an hour; that he would only make the time more miserable for himself if he chose to spend it crying; that I was trying to help, not hurt him; that if he calmed down and tried playing with the toys in the room, he might discover that he actually liked it there. After all, I’d seen many other kids survive (and even thrive) in these same conditions, so I knew that his circumstances weren’t nearly as desperate as they seemed to him.

But nothing I said to him made one bit of difference. He just continued to resist me and to throw a fit. And really, I wasn’t surprised. Why? Because Aiden was 2 years old! He didn’t know enough about life to understand that his situation was temporary and that his predicament wasn’t nearly as bad as he thought it was. Not only that, but he didn’t know enough about language to understand the things I was trying to tell him about his situation. Plus, he didn’t know me well enough to know that I was trying to help him. Although I knew that Aiden’s entire situation could be improved if he just knew the truth about it, I couldn’t convince Aiden of that truth, because in his 2 year old mind, the only thing that felt real was his pain.

Adult Sized Todder...

That’s when I heard God talking to me. “Jill, don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re a terrified 2 year old in an uncertain situation, and I’m the one trying to comfort you. I know you’re feeling alone and scared and abandoned, but in reality, things aren’t as bad as you think they are! First of all, your loneliness is temporary. It only feels like forever to you because you can’t see the end of it. Secondly, you can enjoy your life right now if you’d just calm down and give it a shot! And most importantly, I wish you’d stop fighting me because I’m not trying to hurt you; I’m trying to help you! I hate seeing you upset, and I just wish I could help you see that despite how it feels, I’ve got your back and I’m not ever going to leave you alone.”

As I saw the parallels between Aiden’s predicament and my own, I began to understand the roadblock I was facing in my conversation with God. I had thought that I knew what was best for my life. I had thought that I had everything figured out. But suddenly I understood that I wasn’t as shrewd as I thought. As a matter of fact, I was a 2 year old in comparison to God.

Like Aiden, I had an immature and limited view of what was going on in regard to my singleness, and because of that perspective, I was reacting according to the pain I felt instead of reacting according to the truth of the situation.

Hope...

The incredible thing is that while I was throwing a fit, God wasn’t smacking me and telling me to shut up. On the contrary, he was holding me close, feeling compassion for me, and trying to show me the truth – that the only reason I thought my singleness was the end of the world was because I was 2 years old. And because of that, I didn’t know enough about life or God or the way he speaks to be able to see past my pain and to comprehend the fact that I could be fulfilled by him, even if my relationship status didn’t change.

Well, I have to admit, this comparison was certainly humbling. But on the other hand, it was really good news! You see, from my perspective, my prospects were hopeless. I was doomed either to a life of unending dissatisfaction and loneliness or to a life of perpetual striving to find and keep the relationship that would save me. But if it was true that I was looking at things through a 2 year old’s eyes, then that meant there was hope for my life after all – it’s just that I couldn’t see it!

David and Me...

Later that week, as I was reading Psalm 63, I came across someone else who was facing a similar situation. David, the writer of the prayer, was the king of Israel, but when his son incited a rebellion, he was forced to flee to the desert to hide from his enemies. Okay, so I’ve never been the king. But like me, David wrote this prayer when he was confused, lonely, and worried about the direction of his life. He must’ve thought he’d never be fulfilled unless he got things back on track with his plan for the future. He must’ve felt like he was in a lose-lose situation.

But what I loved about David’s prayer was that unlike me, he didn’t get stuck inside his 2 year old perspective. He acknowledged that he felt hungry, thirsty, and weary; but then he didn’t fixate on those feelings and throw a temper tantrum. He didn’t insist on doing whatever it took to get his own way. Instead, he admitted that someone else had a more complete perspective on the situation than he did – God.

And because he understood that he didn’t have a complete perspective, David had hope. He was able to say in verses 3 & 5, “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.” David certainly didn’t feel right then that God’s love was better than life, or that his soul was currently satisfied, but since he knew that there was a reality beyond his feelings, David trusted that God would bring him satisfaction.

Not only that, but because he acknowledged that God understood his situation better than he did, David was able to rest. In verse 6, he said, “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Whereas my reaction was to fret, complain, and try to solve my own problems, David didn’t do any of that. Rather, he gave all of his stress to God, and instead of focusing on his heartache, David focused on the only one who could truly heal his broken heart.

Finally, in verse 8, David said, “My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” I realized that what was true for David was true for me, as well. It’s only when I cling to God (instead of clinging to my own solutions or worries) that I’m able to feel him upholding me. God is always there to uphold me, but many times I act like a toddler who doesn’t want to go somewhere that my dad is trying to take me. God is holding onto my hand, but I’m thrashing all over the place, pulling away, and demanding my own way. Even through my temper tantrum, he’s still holding onto me, but I’m making things a lot less pleasant for myself than if I’d just calm down, hold onto him, too, and let him take me where he wants – especially since he, like a parent, knows a lot more about what’s best for me than I do as a toddler.

Maybe God knows what he's talking about...

Well, God certainly had me seeing things in a different light. I didn’t want to continue acting like a bratty 2 year old who thinks she knows what’s best. I wanted to quit throwing temper tantrums, and to cling to God the way he clings to me so that I could have the hope and rest that David experienced.

These were all lovely sentiments, but I’m sure you can guess that it still didn’t solve all my problems. You see, though I was now able to acknowledge that God had a wiser and more mature view of my singleness than I did, I still wasn’t sure just what that view entailed. So, of course, that’s what he started to reveal to me next.

06 - Snacks

Hungry...

Although God’s offer to be the author and hero of my story intrigued me, I couldn’t get completely on board. You see, the thing that ruled all my thoughts and decisions was this intense feeling of emptiness and lack of fulfillment. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was hungry for … Adventure? Romance? All I knew was that I couldn’t take another 70 years of the same old daily grind. I assumed that a relationship was the thing I needed to fill that void, so I just couldn’t justify doing anything that might sabotage my chances of finding a guy – including handing my story over to God.

This undercurrent of hunger and dissatisfaction flavored every moment of my life. What made it worse was that no one seemed to understand or care! Even my best friend (who had a boyfriend) blew it all off and advised me, “You just need to be joyful like I am.” Well, that’s easy for you to say, sister! You have a man!

So I decided to cover it up by acting the part of the happy-go-lucky person who had it all together. But I couldn’t fool myself, so in the meantime, I dedicated myself to keeping busy with anything and everything that would occupy my mind and prevent me from giving in to my depression – whether that was work, church functions, social activities, redecorating the house, watching paint dry – anything to stay busy.

It was during this time that I met Tom. Tom was everything I didn’t want in a guy –closed off, self-centered, and dishonest – but since I so desperately needed something to fill me up, I let myself get sucked in. He offered me a taste of the adventure and romance I wanted, and it was only when I was with Tom that I felt even slightly alive. So although I was compromising everything I believed in, and although he quite often made me miserable, the brief moments of happiness that I found with him were worth all of the pain.

Snacks...

It was then that God started another conversation with me. One day as I was leaving Tom’s house, he stopped me with a question. He said, “Jill, why are you trying to fill yourself up like this? Don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re bingeing on snacks as if Little Debbie’s going out of business, when all the while I’ve been standing here offering you a five course feast! Why are you settling?”

God sure knows how to get my attention by speaking the language of food! Besides that, when I heard his question, I was so relieved. At last, someone noticed my pain and cared! Without holding anything back, I unloaded all my hunger to God. I told him that I couldn’t stand feeling unfulfilled, that I hated how I was selling him out, that I wished I could remove myself from this mess, but I was just so scared that if I didn’t assuage my hunger at least a little bit with Tom, then I might starve to death.

I don’t know what I expected God to say back, but the response he gave me totally blew my mind. He said, “Jill, I understand what you’re saying. And the hunger you’re feeling is actually a good thing. Just like physical hunger, the spiritual kind is there for a reason – to alert you to the fact that you’re in need of sustenance. But the problem is that instead of eating the food that will actually give you what you need to live, you’re filling up on snacks – work, friends, busyness, achievements, and Tom.

“These snacks taste good, and they seem to alleviate your hunger, but in reality, they’re not giving you the nutrition that you need in order to thrive. Now, it’s not bad to eat snacks once in a while, but when you’re relying on them as your primary source of sustenance, you’re going to run into problems. It’s like eating a candy bar for dinner. It may take the edge off your hunger, but it’s not going to sustain you.

“You’ve assumed that you’re supposed to get the spiritual ‘food’ you need from a relationship. And, as a matter of fact, you’re right! It is a relationship that will give you life. But here’s the roadblock: You thought that relationship was with another person, when in fact, you’ve really been designed to get life and sustenance from a relationship with me. Feasting with me means getting to know me, finding your life in me, and living according to my plan. Ultimately, that’s the only relationship that will satisfy you. Everything else will leave you wanting more.”

Excuses...

Well, I certainly recognized what God was saying. I knew that I’d been stuffing my life full of anything possible to keep my mind off my hunger pains. I was constantly busy. My mind was constantly working. But as full as I was, I never felt filled.

Still, I wasn’t ready to sign up for this “God diet” yet. I had all kinds of excuses. First of all, I thought, maybe my problem was not snacks in general, but that I just hadn’t eaten the right snacks yet. I mean, I already knew that Tom wasn’t what I was really looking for. Maybe if I could just find the right guy, then I would have what I needed.

Plus, I was hungry NOW. I didn’t want to wait around for God’s feast to satisfy me. I couldn’t help but think of people in the Bible like David or Joseph or Abraham, who waited 20+ years for God to give them what he had promised. Would that be my fate, as well, if I decided to hold out for his feast? At least I could have snacks now!

And how could I really be sure that God had a feast prepared for me? Sure, I’d read verses like John 10:10: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” And 1 Corinthians 2:9: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” But when you really got down to it, I hadn’t seen God’s feast, so how did I know it existed? Snacks, on the other hand, were readily available. I’d rather have them than go to bed hungry!

For the sake of argument, let’s say God’s feast did exist. Well, I still didn’t want to bank on it before I’d even read the menu. What if I didn’t like what God put on my plate? I thought about people like Paul, who was shipwrecked, beaten, and imprisoned; or Job, who followed God and lost everything he had. Looking at the fate of some of God’s top guys, I was afraid that his feast wouldn’t get my 5 star review. At least snacks would give me temporary pleasure, though!

Truth...

God listened to me patiently, and then he responded with this: “Jill, your excuses seem logical, but choosing snacks over the feast always has consequences. First, eating snacks spoils your appetite. When your stomach isn’t growling so loudly anymore, you’re lulled into a false feeling of satisfaction, but in reality, you’re slowly starving because you aren’t eating from the source of life.

“Another problem is that the feeling of fullness they provide doesn’t last. Snacks just make you want more and more. So if your life comes from advancing in your career, then each promotion you get will satisfy you temporarily, but it won’t be long before you’re looking for the next advancement. Or if your life comes from human relationships, then you’ll never be satisfied unless you’re in one, and even when you are, you’ll be working to hold onto it or to find a better one. Snacks provide temporary relief from hunger, but they don’t provide a permanent source of life.

“But here’s the worst part: If all you eat is snacks, you’re going to get fat. But while you’re getting fat, the ironic thing is that you’re also starving to death. Although you’re taking in plenty of calories, they’re empty calories – not containing the nutrients that you need. So ultimately, if all you eat is snacks, you’re going to die. That’s why you feel the way you do right now – as if you’re living but not alive.

“And I HATE seeing you feel that way! That’s why I said in Matthew 5:6, ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.’ You see, the cure for your emptiness is to seek after me; not snacks. If you eat from my feast, you will be filled, even if it doesn’t happen in the way you might have expected it to.

“I know it’s difficult. But it’s just like going on a diet. When you first cut out snacking, it’s all you can think about 24/7. But eventually things start to change. You start to enjoy your meals more because you’re not filling up on snacks ahead of time. Plus, you’re able to fit into your clothes, and you start to feel better and more energetic in general. And if you stick to it long enough, your cravings will start to change. Instead of dreaming of brownies, you might actually begin to want fruit. You could never force yourself to change your desires, but when you make the choice to eat healthier foods, your feelings and your hunger will eventually follow.

“It’s the same way with my feast. It’s really hard to forgo the snacks when that’s where you’ve been trying to get your life for so long. And truthfully, you can’t make yourself hunger after me. But if you make the choice to go after me instead of the snacks, I’ll meet you where you are, and I’ll start to change things. You’ll actually begin to enjoy hungering after me and eating from my feast. Your life will ‘fit’ better, and you’ll start to feel more alive. When you make the choice to hunger after me, your feelings will follow. That’s what I meant when I said in John 6:27 & 35, ‘Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.’”

Well, God had certainly given me a lot to think about. His offer of a fulfilling feast was very appealing. But as usual, I couldn’t make the leap. It just didn’t make sense that I could be fulfilled by something as ethereal as a relationship with God. Luckily, despite my hesitation and unbelief, God wasn’t done talking to me yet.

05 - Hero

After our conversation about authorship, God almost had me convinced that my life would be better off if I let him write it. Almost. But I was still reluctant to hand over the pen because I was afraid that without my input, God might not bring the story to its proper conclusion in which I found my Prince Charming and then mawwiage, mawwiage brought us together today as I was transformed into a princess bride.

You see, in my mind, there was no way I could become the person I thought I should be if I didn’t get married. I mean, all the perpetually single people that I knew were socially awkward beyond belief! There was one who must have been training to be a ventriloquist because she consistently talked without moving her mouth. Another one was just plain mean. My friend and I often debated whether their weirdness was the cause of their single status, or whether it was a result. I’m pretty sure it was a toss up. All I knew was that I certainly did NOT want to end up like that!

Besides that, everyone was telling me that marriage is the stamp of approval on a person’s life. It’s the sign of someone who has “made it”, who is well-thought of and respected, and who has it all together. One friend even told me point blank that my life had no purpose if I was single. So I was convinced that the only way the hero of my story could win was if I got married. Anything less would be a tragedy.

Now, I knew that I wasn’t having any success with this endeavor when I tried to write my own story, but the thing that scared me about God was that I wasn’t 100% sure about his commitment to bringing the hero out on top. I mean, in most hero tales, the hero is the one who saves the day, who gets all the recognition, and who receives the reward. But in the story of Moses, it didn’t work like that.

Instead of saving the day, all Moses got to do was to act as the emcee, announcing the way God wanted the whole thing to go down. Instead of getting recognition, all Moses got was rebuke, as the people told him they would have preferred to remain as slaves. Instead of receiving the reward, all Moses got was a brief glimpse of the Promised Land as he prepared to die. This could not have been the way Moses wanted his story to turn out! And if that’s how God treated Moses, then there was no telling how my story might conclude!

I couldn’t figure out why God didn’t seem to care that his heroes always lost in the end. Why would he offer to write my story when the resolutions to his plots were no better than my own?

That’s when God revealed the roadblock in our conversation. He said, “Jill, you’re right that Moses didn’t get the hero’s welcome in this story. But there’s a good reason for that. It’s because he’s not the hero. I am.”

And as I looked back, I realized that God had intended to be the hero all along. In fact, he announced over and over again that the ultimate objective of this whole “free the slaves” operation was for the Israelites and Egyptians to see his power and to recognize him as the Lord. (Ex. 3:12 & 15, 6:7, 7:5 & 17, 8:22, 9:16, 10:2)

His goal wasn’t merely for Moses to earn a notch on his belt by freeing his people from a few years of oppression. His goal was much bigger than that! It was to open everyone’s eyes to the fact that there is a God who brings freedom to all people, in all lands, in all times. His goal was to initiate a whole new way of doing life.

But Moses didn’t get it at first; he thought it was all about him. He assumed that he was supposed to be the hero, so when things didn’t go his way, he complained.

That’s when God set him straight. Basically, he told him, “Look, Moses. You’re stuck inside your limited, narrow-minded perspective in which it’s all about your fame and your comfort and your ego. To you, the ultimate goal is to make yourself look good. And it’s your life! You’re certainly welcome to live like that if you want to, but if you do, then the only people you’ll affect will be yourself and those immediately surrounding you, and when your story ends, it will all be over. All that will be left of you will be a fading memory.

“On the other hand, I’d like to write you into a much bigger story than that! If you could step outside of yourself for just a minute, you’d see that I’m writing a story that goes far beyond just your own little life – one that’s going to have an impact on entire nations, for generations to come. I have a purpose that I am carrying out in this world – to restore it to the harmony and freedom that I intended when I created it – and I’d like for you to be a part of that purpose. Yeah, you won’t be the main character, but you’ll still play an important role, and you’ll be a part of a legacy that lasts forever. Wouldn’t you rather be a part of that story?”

Obviously, Moses said yes. And although he didn’t get acclaim in the way that he may have planned, he actually got to be a part of something much bigger than himself. He got to line up his life with a purpose that was going to continue even after he was gone – a purpose that’s still affecting us over 2000 years later!

As I thought about Moses, I realized that we were very similar. Like him, I was confused and upset because the story wasn’t going my way. My story didn’t seem to be progressing toward marriage, and to me, that meant I was failing as a hero.

But God told me something very similar to what he told Moses. He said, “Jill, the reason you don’t appreciate the storyline is because you think you’re supposed to be the hero. And it’s your choice. You can try to be the hero if you think that’s best. You can focus all of your energies on getting married and you can make that the ultimate goal of your life. But if you do, then your purpose will last only as long as you’re alive, and you’ll have a minimal effect on the world.

“However, if you’re up for it, I’d like you to try on a different storyline in which I’m the hero. I’m inviting you to line up your ultimate goal with mine, and to join me in an adventure of epic proportions. Now, this adventure may involve you getting married, and it may not. But either way, wouldn’t you rather live for something bigger than yourself?”

The things God was telling me were very intriguing. Of course I wanted to have an impact on the world! Of course I wanted to be a part of an epic adventure!

The most intriguing thing was this: God was telling me that he already knows the end of his storyline, and it concludes with the hero’s victory – his victory. He will accomplish his purpose to set the world back on track. Now, for me, that was really good news. You see, I’d gotten myself so stressed out, always worrying that I was going to end up a failure; that I was going to be a disappointment; that I was going to go down as a tragic hero. But it was quite a relief to know that even if I didn’t achieve recognition and reward (a.k.a. marriage), my story could still be a success; that I could still have significance and purpose on a grander scale. It really took the pressure off of me to know that no matter how I fell short, the hero would still win!

For me, it was all about perspective. I had been reading my story from a first person point of view in which everything revolved around me. But the problem with that perspective was that I couldn’t see or know anything beyond myself.

On the other hand, God was inviting me to read my story from the point of view of the third person, omniscient narrator. In that case, the story wouldn’t revolve solely around me, but I would have a much better perspective on how everything fit together in the grand scheme of things.

If I could have gotten behind it, that would have been a pretty awesome perspective to adopt. But I have to admit, acknowledging God as the author and hero still didn’t make me happy to be single. That’s because I was struggling with other massive roadblocks, too – the roadblocks of feeling unfulfilled, restless, and dissatisfied. That’s where God started talking to me next.

04 - Author

It’s impossible to describe these conversations in chronological order, as many of them occurred simultaneously over periods of months or years, but one of the early roadblocks that God decided to tackle concerned my view of my life story.

Here’s how it started. For several months, I had been pining away over my latest crush, Michael. When a group of our friends decided to take a trip that summer, I decided I should make my move. Throughout the trip, I continuously positioned myself to be within arm’s length of Michael, and I turned on all the charm I could muster. Whenever he exhibited any glimmer of recognition of the leech at his side, my hyperactive female mind went into overdrive. You know how it goes… “He said ‘hi’ to me – he must be interested! We both like beef – it’s a match made in heaven! He touched my arm as he tripped over me trying to escape – he must think I’m hot!”

In my mind, the wedding was planned and paid for. But when days and then weeks went by, and Michael still hadn’t made a move, I had to admit that no matter how hard I tried, this wasn’t going to happen. Just like every other episode of my life, my efforts to garner a husband had ended in failure.

This was so frustrating and demoralizing! I mean, I wasn’t sitting at home expecting to marry the pizza delivery guy; I was trying my very best! I was constantly putting my mind to work, trying to figure out the best places to meet my future husband. Then when I went there and found some possibilities, I’d figure out exactly the right things to say and do. I’d be sure that my planning had lined up a slam dunk…but inevitably, my future husband would choose one of my friends over me. I was trying so hard to write my story, but I was out of ideas for bringing about a happy ending, and this incident with Michael was just another reminder of my writer’s block.

I remember complaining to God about this one day. I thought, “Man, this is the story of my life. No matter what I do, every chapter ends the same way – with the hero left all alone and exposed as a miserable failure. I’ve tried every plot twist I can think of to bring a happy resolution, but the more I try to engineer the plot, the more frustrated I get! If my life were a book, it would be the worst seller in history! I mean, God, even you have to be tired of rereading my same mistakes over and over again. Who wants to read a novel in which the hero never wins?”

This really upset me. Growing up, I’d always been able to accomplish whatever I wanted using discipline, hard work, and creativity. So when I encountered this unattainable goal that I couldn’t achieve with any amount of effort or manipulation, it really caused me to re-evaluate my perception of myself. Was my story destined to be a tragedy?

As I wrestled with this, I came across the story of Moses in Exodus. Though I’d read it many times before, something about it hit me differently that day. In this account, God told Moses that he had an important purpose for his life: he wanted Moses to free the Israelites from slavery.

Now, if I were Moses writing my own story, I would have written it something like this: Moses is a highly esteemed, fearless champion who rides in on a white horse, rallies all the Israelites to form an army, leads them to strike down Pharaoh and his men in a climactic battle, and then victoriously guides the people to the Promised Land, where he wins the girl and everyone thinks he’s great and builds a statue of him. That’s the logical way to develop the story of a hero freeing his people, right?

But that’s not how it goes. First, Moses was no Chuck Norris. He was deficient in the very skill required for his mission: public speaking. Plus, he was an outcast who’d been forced to live alone in the wilderness for 40 years. What kind of hero is that? And Moses was no William Wallace, either. When he told the people that he wanted to secure their freedom, they responded by calling down fire on him! With that kind of reception, it’s kind of hard to build an army and lead a charge.

Moses was more like Clark Kent than Superman. When he tried to confront Pharaoh, he came away looking ridiculous as Pharaoh turned down his request 9 times. Even when he did finally get the Israelites out of Egypt, there was never a definitive battle. Instead, they just anti-climactically snuck away in middle of the night. And then, of course, it wasn’t over because Pharaoh came after them, and Moses still didn’t get to fight. To add insult to injury, when they were finally free from Egypt for good, the Israelites complained to Moses, saying they wished he had never rescued them from slavery in the first place! And then the worst part is that Moses died just before everyone else got to enter the Promised Land. The guy couldn’t win! It reminded me of my own story – no matter what I did, I couldn’t write it so that the hero came out on top.

At first, this made me mad. I mean, I was doing everything in my power to find a husband, and none of my schemes were working. I was so worried that I’d never find a way to give my plotline a happy ending. I thought, “God, can’t you give us a little help down here? Don’t you see Moses and me struggling to write our stories? Don’t you even care that the hero never wins?”

But my complaint didn’t make sense even to me! I knew that God cared. I knew that he wanted to help me. So I felt like I must be missing some huge piece of the puzzle. As I continued to talk with God about it, he finally began to reveal the roadblock that was hindering this conversation. Here’s what it was: I’d been feeling sorry for Moses and myself, blaming God for not helping us to write our stories. But suddenly I realized it was true that Moses would’ve never cooked up this storyline for himself.

That’s because Moses was not the author of his story. God was.

It’s true! When I read it carefully, I saw that God was always the one calling the shots; not Moses. All along, God was the one with the plan; not Moses. In fact, God was the one who suggested this crazy “freeing the slaves” business to Moses in the first place! I never saw Moses struggling to devise a way to accomplish his mission; he just took the next step that God revealed to him. He didn’t strategize to get what he wanted; he just did whatever God told him to do.

Moses didn’t have to deal with frustrating and demoralizing writer’s block as he tried to write the story. That’s because he wasn’t the one holding the pen! And when he handed it over and let God write, the Master Author included events in his story that Moses never could have dreamed up for himself, much less accomplished.

Sure, he didn’t build an army and fight a battle, but he got to experience far more amazing things than that! He saw God send a plague on all of the livestock, but spare the Israelites’ animals. He saw God rain down hail to destroy everything in Egypt, but protect the Israelites’ land. He saw God send an angel to kill all the firstborn sons, but pass over the Israelites’ homes. He saw God part a sea to let his people through, but replace the water to drown their pursuers. He saw God literally deliver bread from heaven each day for the people to eat.

I’d say that even though Moses probably wouldn’t have planned it this way, the story turned out far better than anything he would have authored for himself. When he didn’t insist on writing it, Moses got to play a role in a pretty amazing story – a bestseller that we’re still reading thousands of years later!

In that moment, God said to me: “Jill, you’re trying to be the author of your story. You’re spending all of your time trying to steer the plot so that it ends the way you want it to – with your wedding – but instead of getting a happy ending, you’re just getting stressed out! You can keep doing that if you want, but don’t you know there’s a limit to what you can humanly accomplish?

“On the other hand, I’m willing to take over the stress of planning, and I would love to write some miraculous God-sized events into your plot, but it means you’ll have to give up the pen and let me write. You’ll have to give up your preconceptions about how you want the story to go and let me figure it out. You’ll have to stop trying to arrange everything to accomplish your idea of a happy ending. But if you do give up the rights to your story, you’ll find that I’m writing a masterpiece far more exciting and compelling than you ever could.”

On the one hand, this was good news! I didn’t have to be in charge of engineering my life anymore! I loved this idea because the more I tried to write, the more frustrated I was becoming (and all I achieved with all of my efforts was a tabloid). But God was promising a timeless classic if I’d give up and let him write the story the way he wanted it to go! This possibility really intrigued me.

But I just wasn’t sure if I could trust him with something as important as my life story. Sure, God’s adventures are exciting, but I still didn’t know if I liked the way he developed his heroes. After all, Moses never achieved the recognition and reward that a hero deserves, and I was afraid of a similar fate. I didn’t think I could deal with a resolution that didn’t include my marriage in the near future.

That’s when God took me even deeper into the story of Moses to knock over some more of my roadblocks.

03 - Roadblock

You’d think that the re-evaluation of my game plan would have been easy with God on my side, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. To me, it seemed that whenever God called a play, it was one that my playbook predicted to end in my defeat. He was saying ridiculous things like, “Jill, just relax and quit trying to find a relationship everywhere you go.” And, “Your goal should be to give love; not to receive it.” And, “I want you to let me take care of this instead of doing it yourself.” But in my mind, these instructions would lead to a life of permanent singleness! I couldn’t figure out why God wanted me to give up my game plan when his seemed to be leading to even worse results! I wasn’t sure if we were on the same page.

Then I remembered a conversation that opened my eyes to what was going on.

Several years ago, I decided to visit a church called Crossroads that was across town from me. Several days later, I mentioned to my parents that I had gone there. My dad was curious, and he asked me what it was like. I told him that there were tons of people, that I thought it was great how “real” everyone was, that I liked the contemporary feel of the big screens all over the room, that the music was some of the best I’d ever heard. In fact, I planned to go back every week. Hearing my rave review, my dad was excited and mentioned that he would like to check it out, too.

Up until this point, my mom had made appropriate comments, and she had seemed to be tracking with our conversation. But now she seemed confused. The first indication of a problem was her bewilderment about our enthusiasm. Then she asked me something that seemed strange. “Was the food good? What did you get?”

I have to admit, her question left me somewhat taken aback, as I’ve never heard of a church that’s known for their food. Confused, I told her that they didn’t have any food there. At that point, my mom was really befuddled. “Then why,” she said, “did you even go there in the first place?” It was clear to me at this point that somewhere in this conversation, there had been a communication breakdown.

Well, to make a long story short, it turned out that my mom had assumed that I was talking about Crossroads Wings and Rings – a sports bar down the street from their house – and it had never even crossed her mind that Crossroads might be a church!

After a good laugh, I started to think: Isn’t it crazy how two people can think they’re talking about the same thing – how all the words can line up – but then at some point, you find out you’re coming from two completely different perspectives?

Because of her culture, her background, and her experiences, my mom automatically assumed that Crossroads was a place for wings and beer, and because of that perspective, she took everything she heard and tried to fit it into her pre-existing belief. And for a while that worked! My comments about people, big screens, and music all fit into her schema of what Crossroads should be. It wasn’t until we really hit a roadblock in our conversation that either one of us started to think that we might not be talking about the same thing.

And that roadblock – although it was confusing and uncomfortable at first – was actually a good thing, because it was the impetus for getting us on the same page. It forced my mom to make a choice. She could have chosen to stubbornly hold on to her idea of what Crossroads is supposed to be. (After all, that’s the perspective of everyone else in our neighborhood.) Or she could have chosen to adjust her perspective to one that was more accurate in the conversation we were having. (Even though that meant turning her back on what she and her culture had always assumed about establishments called Crossroads.)

Now, if my mom had refused to believe that Crossroads was a church, that would have just been weird. But I started to realize that I was doing that very thing in my conversation with God. I couldn’t understand what he was telling me about relationships because I was running it all through the filter of what my culture, my friends, my church, and my (sometimes well-meaning) relatives said about it. I had never actually stopped to figure out if I understood it all the way God did.

That’s when I started to ask myself: What if my assumptions about singleness and marriage have been shaped by my culture, my background, and my experiences? What if, up until now, my assumptions have seemed to jive with reality because I’ve been able to stuff everything into my pre-existing schema and make it fit? But what if this roadblock in the conversation was the very thing I needed to help me see my misinterpretations and correct them?

For example, I believed that getting married by age 25 and settling down with 2.5 kids was the only normal way to live and the only possible way to lead a complete and happy life. I thought that if I didn’t do that, I’d never fit in with society, and I’d miss out on something that everyone else had. For a while, that perspective worked for me because I still had hope that my life would turn out that way. But when I found that I couldn’t make it happen for myself, and when God didn’t give me the things I thought I had to have, that left me with two choices. I could assume either that he didn’t care about me, or that he wasn’t strong enough to do it. But neither one of those choices made sense based on what I knew about God!

I also believed that I needed a man to prove that I was worthy of love. I thought that as a single person, I was only half of a whole; that I was incomplete. For a while, that perspective worked for me because I could sustain myself with temporary fixes when guys showed interest in me. But when I couldn’t find someone to give me the permanent stamp of approval and completeness, I was left with two choices. I could assume either that God thought I was worthless, or that he was just ignoring me. But neither of those choices made sense based on what I knew about God!

And then it occurred to me. What if I’m failing to understand this conversation because God and I are coming from two different perspectives? What if I assumed that marriage was the ultimate goal of life only because that’s what society told me? But what if God had never said that at all? And what if I assumed that a relationship was the only way I’d find validation and completion only because that’s what society told me? But what if God had never said that at all? What if God actually had been taking care of me all along, and I just couldn’t see it because I was approaching the conversation thinking Crossroads was a wings place?

As I began to consider these things, God reminded me that he’s been warning us about these roadblocks in the conversation all along.

He said it in Isaiah 55:8-9: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”

He said it in 1 Corinthians 1:18-19: “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: ‘I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.’”

He said it in Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

He said it repeatedly in Matthew 5: “You have heard that it was said…but I tell you…”

Clearly, the way God thinks is pretty different from the way I usually think (and since he’s the one who actually created the world, it’s much more likely that his way of thinking is correct). And because of that, the only way I can have a productive conversation with him is when I take the time to learn what his perspective actually is, and then get myself on the same page with him.

Now, let me clarify. God did NOT tell me that dating and marriage are bad things. He did NOT say that I should never want to fall in love or get married. But what he DID say to me was that my having (or not having) a relationship was not my real issue – that being single was not the cause of my unhappiness. He showed me that I just assumed that was my problem because that’s the American perspective, and I’m naturally trying to fit everything that happens to me into my culture’s traditions and mores. He told me that he wanted to teach me his perspective on the whole thing.

But as much as I recognized my need for a perspective shift, I wasn’t immediately aware of all the assumptions that needed changing, and I certainly wasn’t aware of how hard that would be to accomplish. Luckily, though, God hadn’t given up on me. In fact, I discovered over the next couple of years that he wanted so much to engage me in conversation that he was willing to do whatever it took to remove those roadblocks.

Would you like to join the conversation, too?

02 - Me

Maybe it would be helpful if I explained why I decided to re-evaluate my game plan.

Looking back, the last time a guy was truly interested in me was third grade. In fact, it wasn’t just one guy; there were two – Chris and Ryan – and they actually fought over me! Eventually I ended the drama with my bright idea to hold a race. The winner of the race would win my heart, and if the winner was me, then I would be free of both of them. (To this day, I wish I could knock some sense into young, naïve 8 year old Jill!) Now I don’t know if my superior running abilities that day were the thing that solidified me as a single person for life, or if it’s just a coincidence, but I can tell you that since that time, I have been invisible to the male eye.

At first it didn’t bother me because (as you can see from this glimpse into my third grade psyche), I was a late bloomer who wasn’t really interested in that kind of thing. By the time I got to high school, though, I was starting to worry. I can remember thinking as a freshman, “As long as I start dating by the time I’m a junior, it’ll be okay.” But in those two years, nothing changed. Both my junior and senior years came and went, and still I was a nobody.

Now, I’ve always struggled with self-esteem issues. I’ve never been the life of the party, and I’ve always had trouble fitting in. So going through 4 years of high school without ever being asked out just added to my sense of worthlessness. Still, I had hope that better things were on the horizon. After all, I was heading off to college, and maybe things would be different there.

But they weren’t. I experienced the same thing in college that I did in high school: guys didn’t even know that I existed. Unfortunately, as much as they were unaware of my existence, I was totally aware of theirs. My pattern went something like this: I would pick a guy to crush on, and I would obsess about him day and night, always trying to work up some kind of plan to get him to notice me. Then eventually, I would realize it wasn’t going to work, and, depressed, I’d move on to someone new.

You know that rhetorical question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, I spent most of my life asking myself this question: “If Jill exists but no one cares enough to notice, then does she really matter?” I felt like it was essential to my future happiness and self-worth that I find the one who would notice me and affirm that I really did have significance.

Beyond feeling like a nobody, though, my inability to snag a boyfriend also made me feel like a failure. In my mind, the appropriate and normal way to live your life was to grow up, to get married, and to have kids. As I approached the end of college and I hadn’t found the husband who would make that scenario a reality, I really started to get worried about my ability to lead a successful life.

So my roommate and I made the following plan: In order to have a baby by the ancient age of 25, I needed to get married by 23. That meant I needed to get engaged at 22, which meant I needed to meet my future husband by the time I was 21. My roommate and I even went so far as to document this schedule on a poster along with all the qualities we wanted in our future husbands. We called the poster “Perfect Match,” and we hung it on the wall of our college apartment. (And I wondered why I had trouble finding a date…)

Once I had a plan, I assumed that God was on board with it, too. After all, that’s how good church people live their lives – get married, have kids – and I was a good church person. I loved God and I tried to serve him, so I thought that surely he would reward me by making my life work out the way it was supposed to.

I was wrong. Time continued to march on, and I still hadn’t found my Perfect Match. At first, I wasn’t too stressed because my roommate and I got together and adjusted our plan to “The Fast Track,” which shortened the timeline to nine-month increments instead of full years. We thought this new schedule would buy us time to find our future husbands before it was too late. The Fast Track, though, didn’t account for the fact that I had just graduated from college and begun working in an elementary school – not exactly a hotbed of single men. So I still had no Perfect Match, and really no possible way of finding him. This got me extremely depressed and anxious. I truly didn’t know how I was ever going to thrive – or even survive – in life if I didn’t get married.

As strange as it sounds, though, I also took a little bit of comfort in the lack of males in my life. After all, if there were no guys around, then I could blame my singleness on lack of opportunity rather than attributing it to some inadequacy in me. It got to the point where I would have much rather stayed home by myself than to go out around men my age, because I knew that if I was around them, it just opened me up for rejection, and I didn’t know if I could take any more of that.

It was around that time that my church did a series called “ID,” which focused on discovering your identity in God. This series totally changed my life. I began to understand that God’s opinion of me trumps what other people think (which is quite freeing for someone who is pretty much a failure at being noticed). And with this new understanding that God thinks I’m pretty special, I began to open up and interact more confidently with everyone around me.

With my newfound confidence, I was totally convinced that it was now my time to find a husband. After all, I was no longer the shy wallflower that I had always been, and I now found myself surrounded by all kinds of guy friends. Surely God had my Perfect Match waiting just around the bend! I even tried to help him along by joining every internet dating service that exists, and by attending any and every activity that promised to attract single men. I was on a mission.

But as always, no one noticed me as girlfriend potential. And that REALLY threw me for a loop. These were the thoughts that were constantly going through my head: “It’s probably because I’m not pretty enough…but there are uglier girls than me that have boyfriends! So it must be that I don’t have a good enough personality…but there are some real weirdos that have boyfriends! So it must be that I’m just a messed up person…but there are people way more messed up than I am who are in relationships. What am I doing wrong?”

In trying to work through these questions, I would ask my friends what they thought. Invariably, people would tell me that if I was single, it must be because there was something wrong with me. And I agreed! I was quite certain that there were many things wrong with me! But I also knew that there were multiple things wrong with my non-single friends, too, so it just didn’t add up.

Others offered advice on what I needed to do to improve my chances. According to these “experts”, I needed to smile more, flirt more, watch more sports, wear more revealing clothing, meet 5 new people each week, and be less serious. But I didn’t know how it would really validate me as a person if someone liked a fake version of me. Plus, what if I did these things and it STILL didn’t work? I was scared to death of what that failure would say about me.

Then there were the people who said something along the lines of, “Someday you’ll get married.” I wanted to scream at them, “Oh, really? How do YOU know? How is it that YOU somehow have insider information regarding God’s plans for MY life?”

Honestly, as scared as I was about the possibility of being single forever, I was even more scared that I might actually start a relationship – and then find out that it hadn’t solved my problems after all. What if I accomplished my goal and then fell prey to that post-partum depression that says, “Okay, I did that. Now what?” What if someone fell in love with me but I was still unconvinced of my self-worth? I mean, if that person’s validation of me was the only thing separating me from being a nobody, then I knew that I would be enslaved to that person for life. I’d have to hold onto that person at all costs or else I’d be right back to square one. But despite these worries, it seemed that being in a relationship was the only solution to my despair.

And then something happened. I started taking up salsa dancing, and my first time out at a club, I met someone I’ll call Tom. Though I knew from our first conversation that Tom wasn’t what I was looking for, I was attracted to him, and when he asked me out, I said yes. After our first date, I knew for sure that he was not husband material, but I just couldn’t bring myself to write him off. For one thing, his persistence in pursuing me made me feel good about myself – as if someone actually did think I was a worthwhile and captivating person. For another thing, my mom kept encouraging me to give him a chance, and I thought, “Well, if even my mom thinks he’s the best I can do, then I guess I should just accept the fact that this is all I can get.” I thought it would be exciting to be with a guy. I thought it would make me feel good about myself. I thought it would make me normal.

That was the worst decision of my life. It quickly became clear to me that Tom was not actually interested in me as a person at all, and that he only thought I was worthwhile as long as I was giving him what he wanted. But even though I was very much aware of this, and I had no doubt that this was going to end in disaster for me, I had to do whatever it took to keep him around because he was my only chance at being somebody. So I acted like it didn’t bother me when he refused to acknowledge me in public, or when he acted completely disinterested in anything I had to say, or when he refused to commit to me, or when he routinely hit on other girls in front of me. But inside it was killing me. From time to time, my friends would get through to me and I’d cut things off, but inevitably, I would go back. I felt like I had no choice.

I realize now that I was treating him the same way he was treating me. I hated how he was using me to fulfill his needs, but in reality, I was using him to fulfill my needs for belonging, approval, and love. I did genuinely care about him, but that wasn’t the reason I stuck around. I stuck around because before Tom, I would have rated my level of fulfillment around negative 5 on a scale of 1-10. But when I was with Tom, my level of fulfillment rose to about 0. So he seemed better than nothing.

But all the while, I hated myself for settling. I hated myself for ignoring God over and over again as he told me that he wanted something better for me. I hated myself for failing to live up to my own standards of morality. I hated myself because my worst fears were being confirmed – that I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love.

It was during this time that I began to seek God desperately. I’d been a Christian for a long time, and I’d always enjoyed spending time with Jesus, but this was different. This was me calling out frantically for him as the waves threatened to pull me under. This was me crying, “God, if you don’t reach out and help me, I’m not going to survive!” This was me finally realizing that I couldn’t last one second without him.

I reflected on all of this one morning as I drove to work. At the end of my rope, I said hopelessly to God, “I don’t understand why all of this is happening. I’ve always tried to love and obey you, but it turns out I’m just a big disappointment. I’m not worthy of a man’s love, and I’m certainly not worthy of your love either. I won’t blame you if you decide to write me off. I want to love you, but I’m just not strong enough.”

When God responded, he said something shocking and yet hopeful. He said, “Jill, you’ve got it all wrong. You’ve been running around trying to prove yourself in your own mind and to me, and you’ve been beating yourself up because you don’t love me enough, but here’s the thing: It’s not about how much you love me. It’s about how much I love you. And you will never be able to get yourself out of this. But I can.”

When God told me on Tallahassee Drive that he loved me and wanted to rescue me, it was a pivotal moment in my life. That desperate prayer in my car began a series of conversations with God – usually emotional, weeping, and often frustrating conversations – that totally changed my outlook on who I was, who God was, and what role singleness plays in my life. It was through those conversations that God began to change my game plan, and because of that, to rescue me and give me hope. And I’d like to share those conversations with you, in the hopes that they can be of some value to someone else who wants to join the huddle.

01 - Huddle

According to the trusted authorities at Wikipedia, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert at something. That’s 416.67 full days and nights of practice. So according to that standard, there are very few activities at which I would be considered an expert, except maybe breathing, wasting time, and possibly dreaming of food. But I can think of one area where I far exceed the “expert requirement” with almost 275,000 hours of practice.

If 10,000 hours is all it takes, then I am most assuredly an expert at being single – 27 times over!

Okay, so I don’t hold a doctorate in Single Studies (although if some progressive school decides to issue an honorary degree, I think I’d be the logical choice). But I do think that over the years, I’ve made quite a few interesting and helpful observations about our common perceptions of singleness, dating, and marriage.

Most of these observations have come as a result of my own failures, heartaches, and disappointments. And it’s only been through a dramatic overhaul of the way I view myself, my place in the world, and other people that I’ve actually begun to find the peace and contentment that I think eludes a lot of us as single people.

You don’t know what I mean about peace and contentment eluding us? Think about the following situations that I encountered in approximately a week’s time:

First, I heard some news about my best friend from childhood. Recently, she got a divorce from her husband of several years because she realized that she never really loved him, and that she married him mostly because he was…there. Now she is living with her boyfriend who threatens and abuses her, and who even keeps a loaded gun in the house. Because of this, her family is worried about her safety and their own, but no matter what anyone says, she won’t leave him because she doesn’t want to be alone.

The stories aren’t all that extreme. Shortly after I heard about my childhood friend, I talked to two of my female friends who had found a certain guy that they thought was “The One,” only to find out that he was playing them. Now they are both devastated, wondering if they will ever find someone to rescue them from a lifetime of loneliness. What I didn’t tell my girlfriends was that both of them were complaining to me about the same guy on the same day. Go figure.

Around the same time, I was talking to a guy friend who had always been known for his overt and relentless quest for a girlfriend. He has now been dating a girl for almost a year, so I asked him how it was going. He told me that he and his girlfriend have a lot of issues to work through; that he’s had to give up many of his passions to keep her satisfied; that they never really do anything fun together; that he feels out of place with her family. That description didn’t sound very promising to me, so I asked him if he thought their relationship would work out. To my surprise, he said, “Yeah, I’ll probably marry her. I’m getting too old to start over.”

I have another friend whose relatives are constantly telling her that she will never be happy unless she gets married. So while she thought she enjoyed her life as it is, her confidence is now shaken, and she’s starting to wonder if maybe her relatives (and the rest of society) are right – that living life alone means you’re missing out, and that it makes you somehow incomplete.

Another friend was attending a group for singles ages 30 and up, but when I asked him how it was going, he said that he is probably going to quit. Explaining further, he said that every time he goes, he is confronted with his worst nightmare – being alone for life – and the fear and stress caused by attending the group causes him more harm than good.

And around the same time, I attended a meeting of young professionals at my church where we were doing a series on singleness. In the 3 years that I have been a part of this group, I have never seen anyone get emotional before. But in just one night during a conversation about being single, I saw 3 separate people (including big, tough men) start to cry as they talked about their struggles with being alone.

You can’t tell me that peace and contentment don’t elude us as single people! And when I hear these stories (and many similar ones), my heart breaks for my friends because I understand what they’re going through. You see, I’ve been there, too.

I’ve been the girl who thinks she’s a worthless nobody because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. I’ve been the girl who thinks her life will never be complete unless she gets married. I’ve been the girl who lets herself get walked on because it seems better than being alone.

And all of the pain that I’ve seen and experienced has made me wonder if that’s the way it has to be. Do I have to live my life crushed by the weight of unfulfilled expectations? Do I have to spend all of my time looking for something or someone to complete me? Do I have to base my identity on whether I have a significant other? Do I have to feel as though I’m missing out on something great if I’m single?

After all, relationships and marriage are meant to be things that benefit us, right? They are meant to give us support and community and a witness to our lives.

So why is it that instead of enhancing our lives, relationships (or the lack of them) seem to cause us so much pain and despair? Why is it that something that was meant to bring us pleasure actually creates more stress and heartache than almost anything else in our lives? Why is it that this topic consumes our thoughts and our conversations and even drives our decisions? Why is it that our relationship status can be the main determiner of our happiness and acceptance or lack thereof?

These questions have nagged at me for a long time. It just doesn’t seem right to me that something that is supposed to add to our lives so often handicaps us and holds us back. It doesn’t seem right that my own satisfaction has to be dependent on someone else’s whims. It doesn’t seem right that I can’t be wholly confident and complete and fulfilled – with or without a significant other.

Have you ever felt that way, too? Have you ever felt as though you've been singled out among society just because you're cooking for one? If so, then I’m going to suggest something that might seem a little bit foreign and counter-intuitive.

What if being single is not the problem?

What if the lack of a significant other is not the cause of our discontent after all? What if our failure to get married is not actually the cause of our restlessness? What if our relationship status is not the cause of our lack of purpose and identity? I’m wondering…is it possible that none of these things is the real issue?

Is it possible that the real problem is not our singleness itself, but instead, the problem is the way we view our singleness and the significance that we assign to it? Is it possible that our problems actually stem from a skewed perspective on the whole subject?

You may think I’m just naïve, but go with me here for a minute. If it’s true that we’re wrong about the problem, then doesn’t it stand to reason that we could also be wrong about the solution? What if our ceaseless search for a relationship is not really the way out? What if there actually is a way for me to be wholly confident and complete and fulfilled – whether I’m single, dating, or married?

I submit to you that there is.

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not out to devalue marriage or our desire for it. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t date or get married. I’m not saying that relationships are a bad thing. In fact, I think marriage is a wonderful thing, and I would enjoy experiencing it someday!

All I’m saying is this: I’ve found that when all of my passes end in interceptions, then continuing to run the same play is probably not going to win me the game. Instead, maybe it’s time to step back and re-evaluate the way I’m viewing the game. In other words, when my game plan of constantly seeking out relationships is always causing me misery, maybe it’s time to regroup and adopt a new strategy.

Will you join me in the huddle?