With the realization that a relationship is not the main attraction after all, but is merely a preview to all that God has in store for me, it suddenly became clear how blatantly I was overlooking him in order to chase after some other kind of satisfaction instead.
Looking beneath the surface...
No, I wasn’t committing the “big” sins like murder or theft or rooting for the Steelers, but what I was doing was, in a sense, worse because it looked like I was doing right. On the surface, I was doing what good, religious people do: I was looking for someone to marry so that I could settle down and produce the happy little family that everyone expects out of people who love God.
But underneath, I wasn’t doing this for God at all! I was doing it for myself – so that I could be fulfilled in the way I wanted; so that I could be respected by others; so that I could be assured that I was worthy of love. I was denying God his rightful position as the main attraction, and I was putting my desire for marriage there instead. (And that kind of attitude is what started this whole sin business in the first place!)
Stepping on the brakes - not as easy as it looks...
Because of the way I was allowing my desire for a relationship to overshadow all that God had to offer, I felt at that time that he was asking me to put my marriage quest on hold for a while; that the only way I could find freedom from my endless quest was to take a step back so I could put things into their proper perspective.
As much as I agreed with God and wanted to take him up on his advice, though, I just couldn’t do it. You see, my desire for a relationship went deeper than wanting just happiness and fulfillment. For me, this whole issue struck at the very core of my being, because in my mind, a person’s relationship status was the main indicator of his or her worth as a person. Since I had not been “chosen,” I worried that there was something wrong with me; that my inherent value was somehow less than that of someone in a relationship.
Okay, I know I’m sounding pretty dramatic. But I really don’t think I’m that crazy for thinking such things! After all, I’ve heard many people talk that way. “He’s not good enough for her.” “How did she get a boyfriend?” “Who would ever want to marry him?” “She’s too ugly/stupid/weird/fill-in-the-blank to find a guy.” We say these things as if there’s a certain level of “goodness” that you have to reach before you can even be considered by the opposite sex; as if getting the stamp of approval from someone of the opposite sex is a prerequisite to respect.
Beyond these general cultural assumptions, I’ve had these things said to me point blank! A pastor once said that if I’m single, it’s probably my own fault, and that I should examine myself to find out what I need to fix (as if married people have earned a free pass on the need to examine themselves). I’ve had a friend inform me that my singleness was an indication that God was unhappy with me, and that he was withholding his blessings until I met his standards. (Looking back, I wonder if this was really a friend or an enemy!) Clearly, our culture uses a person’s relationship status as the litmus test for his or her value.
So when God told me it would be a good idea to put the brakes on my search for a husband, you can see why that seemed so impossible for me to do! Resigning myself to a life of singleness meant resigning myself to the fact that I was less worthy of respect and value and love than other people were. It meant willingly allowing others to look down on me and letting them assume that I was less worthy in God’s eyes than they were. It meant a total surrender of my identity. How could God possibly ask me to do something like that? It seemed like too high of a price to pay.
Mary...
As I wrestled with these thoughts, God came to the rescue and spoke to me through something I’d heard a million times before. That Christmas, a movie came out called “Nativity Story,” which retold the story of Jesus’ birth. On the surface, this retelling of familiar events was nothing new, but this time as I watched it, I saw everything that happened with new eyes.
First of all, I saw Mary. The first time she appeared on the scene, an angel was telling her that she had found favor with God. That seems pretty awesome! But then he went on to say that since God thought she was so great, he’d like her to become an unwed mother.
What?! I mean, having a child out of wedlock carries a little bit of a stigma today, but in those days, it would have been much worse than simply the ruination of Mary’s reputation. It could have threatened her very life! After all, she could have been stoned to death by the Jewish authorities for breaking the law. If that didn’t happen, her fiancé could have divorced her, and then if her own father rejected her, too, she could have been forced into begging or prostitution to earn a living. Obviously, the “gift” God was giving Mary was NOT going to make her popular or well-respected.
If Mary followed through on this, then to everyone observing, she would look like a sinner – someone with major issues. In fact, I’m sure everyone in Nazareth must have assumed that the only reason something like this would happen to her was because she was disgraced in God’s eyes. This was not a pleasant situation.
Things aren't always as they seem...
To a lesser degree, Mary’s dilemma reminded me of my own. Like in Mary’s case, I was in a situation that made me feel disrespected by everyone I knew. Not only was I looked down upon by other people, but because of my singleness, I appeared to be disfavored by God, as well.
But the good news I found in Mary’s story was this: Despite what everyone must have thought of her, the truth of the situation was that Mary was not going through this because God was displeased with her; rather, she was going through this because she found favor with him! Mary was subjected to disrespect not because there was something wrong with her, but because there was something very right!
What this showed me was that things are not always as they seem. Even when everyone around me interprets some aspect of my life as a sign of something wrong with me, that doesn’t mean they’re right!
That’s because the way God evaluates is not the same as the way the world evaluates.
Mary's strange response...
Mary obviously got this concept. Despite knowing how she would appear to the world if she did this thing, Mary agreed to the angel’s request. Not only that, but Mary reacted to her situation with joy! She said in Luke 1:46-49, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is his name.” What? She’s rejoicing and thanking God for this disaster?! She’s expecting future generations to call her blessed?! What’s this girl smoking?
As I thought about it, I realized that the only way Mary could have possibly responded in this manner is if she found her identity in God alone, and not in others’ opinions of her or in her status in society. Because Mary realized that the only reliable assessment of her worth was the one that came from God, she was secure enough in who she was that she could disregard her reputation and take God up on the opportunity of a lifetime. That was amazing to me. I didn’t know where Mary got that kind of assurance, but I did know that I wanted to have it, too.
Joseph...
Mary’s not the only one in the story who had this kind of confidence. There was another person who stood to lose his reputation and respect – Joseph. When Joseph found out that his fiancé was pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his, he must have been the subject of all the town gossip. After all, he was the fool who’d been oblivious to the fact that his girl was a loose woman. Now, in that culture, when something bad happened to you, it was taken as a sign of God’s displeasure with you. So surely people would have assumed that some horrible flaw in Joseph was the cause of his disgrace. And the only way Joseph could have possibly regained some respect was to give Mary the punishment she deserved – to divorce her and to send her off to fend for herself.
But that’s not what he did! When the angel came to him with a pretty unbelievable story about Mary being God’s baby momma, Joseph did what God asked and followed through on his marriage to Mary. Instead of trying to save his reputation and self-respect, Joseph chose to be a participant in God’s plan, because he knew that things are not always as they seem. Even when everyone around him saw a pitiful, rejected tool, Joseph knew that they were wrong. His identity was based completely in what God thought of him; not in how he appeared to the world.
The confidence of Mary and Joseph was something that I longed to have. I would have given anything to be so secure in my identity that I could throw my reputation and self-respect to the wind in order to follow God. But the problem was that I just wasn’t sure if I bought into this idea that God doesn’t assign worth based on the world’s standards. What does that mean? If he doesn’t see things the way the world does, then how does he see things? As usual, God didn’t leave me hanging for long.
